When Habit Becomes Compulsion

“It’s part of our life, our culture.”  – Dr. Jodi Gold 

Geoffrey Golia:  This is a super relevant topic, and definitely at the front of a lot of folks’ minds, including parents like myself, so we’re very excited to hear your insights here.  There are so many questions about screen time, Dr. Gold.  Can you provide your general approach to raising kids online before we get into more specific questions related to this?

Jodi Gold:  Yes, I have a three-part approach to thinking about raising kids online.  The first thing I want to say is that everybody out there knows how to raise their kids offline.  You all have strong values and great parenting skills.  So now, the frame shift is to think about how to raise your kids online the way you would raise them offline.  The first thing I usually recommend is understanding the situation, knowing yourself.

You also need to understand your own relationship with technology.  Once you understand what type of parent you are and your own relationship with technology, then you can move to this idea of understanding the landscape and your child.  

The next piece is that you have to understand who your child is because we’re going to talk about all these things, and they’re not going to apply to every child.  Every age is different; but more than just the age, it’s about who your child is.

The third part is making a plan.  What I am not talking about is the restricting plan.  Yes, everybody here, we all understand in 2026 that we do need to be restricting and that there are all kinds of problems with the relationship with devices.  That goes without saying.  We’re talking about your plan.  Your plan needs to be, from a psychiatrist’s perspective, about regulation.

Ultimately, your children, whether they’re 6 or 20, they’re ultimately going to have to manage the digital world on their own, and they’re going to have to regulate themselves.  They’re going to have to understand what triggers them, what’s good for them, what’s a disaster for them, what puts them down the rabbit hole.  And they cannot do that if they have no access to the digital world or if you are policing them like crazy.

Now, again, this is all developed depending on the age of your kids, but the goal of your plan is is to build online resilience, to build digital citizenship, and to be on this journey together. 

GG:  I wonder if you could just touch more upon the role of parental self-regulation in this process.

JG:  I have found the most helpful metaphor here is that most parents today are new to technology.  We did not grow up with technology.  When you’re new to something, you approach it with trepidation.  It doesn’t come naturally to you.  

But our children, whether they’re 3 or 23 at this moment, can navigate the digital world so easily.  They can navigate the digital world with ease.  They can problem-solve in a way I certainly cannot problem-solve.

There’s this divide.  And sometimes what I have found is that parents approach this topic with fear, but at the same time, they want their kids to live in this brave new world.  And what happens is that that causes conflict.

So understand what triggers you.  I promise that just because your child is on devices does not mean your child’s not going to college, it does not mean they’re going to be a crack addict.  It really doesn’t.  It probably means they’re going to be a normal, well-adjusted kid.

And part of that is also about the punishment and how we manage devices.  The punishment needs to fit the crime.  This is so hard because often, for most of us, the only tool we have is to take the phone or the iPad away.  I really am a believer that you take the phone and the iPad away when they misuse the phone and the iPad.  If they don’t make their bed, that’s not a reason to take away the phone.

GG: We have to segue now to sports betting and gambling behaviors.  Let’s start with a basic question of perception:  Has sports betting gotten worse in recent years?

JG: Yes, horribly worse in recent years.  I will tell you, as a child psychiatrist and adolescent psychiatrist in New York City for 25 years, I had no issues with sports betting until maybe 5 years ago.  And in the last few years, I could fill up my whole practice with sports betting.

So, what’s different?  I mean, gambling and sports betting have been around forever, right?  People have bet on sports and gambled.  What’s very, very different now is the legalization of these online sports betting platforms.  So the betting and the addiction is getting worse.

Another reason it’s different is it’s so accessible, it’s in your hand.  And the way we’re betting is different.  We used to bet on did the Knicks win, did the Knicks not win?  That’s not how you bet anymore.  The way you bet now is you bet every single moment.  It’s more dopamine hits.  There are hundreds and hundreds of little mini micro-bets and parlays and in-game betting.  It is this constant dopamine hit if you are betting, betting, betting, betting.  And that is, in my opinion, why it’s become such a problem.  

GG: One thing that I hear a lot in my practice is this word, gamification.  But now the access is also so important.  There’s a level of gamification, but there’s also this level of access that you mentioned.  

JG:  I don’t think all sports betting is dangerous, just to be clear.  I love, love, love parents watching sports with their kids.  This is an example of not being on your devices and engaging in something together.  So I don’t want to take that away.  I think what we all have to be a lot more mindful of is the whole gambling piece, and how the gambling has seeped into our culture without us sort of realizing it.  I think that’s the issue: understanding when it becomes a problem and how it’s a problem.

I think we need to think about the why.  Why are middle school and high school boys at risk?  I think certain kids are more at risk than others.  But it goes beyond just that.  It’s also that the boy’s adolescent brain has low impulse control and gaming is really fun.  

Some of that is this idea of mastery.  As I mentioned before, I do encourage boys and girls to learn about sports as a social tool.  But what’s happened now with all this complicated micro-betting is that young boys feel like they have mastery, they’ve studied all the stats, they know who’s going to hit what.  And there’s a little bit of typical teenage narcissism and grandiosity.  “I know everybody loses, but I won’t lose because I’m invincible.”  

GG:  You mentioned areas of risk and risk factors, just so that we can sort of round out this topic.  Which kids are most at risk for developing gambling behaviors, if not addiction?

JG:  Kids with family histories of addiction of any type.  It’s all connected, so substance abuse, any family history of addiction, it’s going to put them at higher risk.  ADHD is going to put them at higher risk, any mental health issue is going to put them at higher risk.  

But other things that are risk factors are impulsive behaviors.  The things to look for when you’re worried include if your child’s more secretive, if things are disappearing, if you find that they’re obsessively talking about gambling or betting, or if they’re chasing their losses.   You really want to be mindful of not chasing losses.  You want to be mindful of the preoccupation.  The other piece with gambling and gaming is that, is your child talking about it all the time?  Can your child stop doing it?  Is your child building a tolerance?   

What I say about all mental health, including this, is that any type of secretive behavior and any type of change in behavior is a red flag.  If your kid was an A-B student and is now a B-C student, you need to be asking questions.

GG:  You’ve identified something really important, which is that parents are the key regulators, especially for younger children.  What role do parents play in these gambling behaviors?

JG: It’s still evolving in terms of how to protect kids and how to balance it.  Including your own relationship to sports.  If you are somebody who has a gambling account, totally fine, but you have to model behavior for them.  You need to model that you can watch sports collaboratively, be engaged, and when you lose, you lose, it’s just a game.  I want you to bring them into the co-engagement and the sports watching.  That’s awesome, great family time.  But you’ve got to keep them out of the betting. That’s not healthy for kids.

GG: Absolutely.  What if these behaviors do emerge and rise to the level of what we call a use disorder or an addiction?  How can we reset and get back to a healthy relationship with technology and sports?  

JG: That’s a great question.  And it’s not so simple.  I use an addiction model because that’s appropriate with gambling and the dopamine piece.  But with traditional addictions, we get sober, right?  It’s a little bit trickier to go sober with devices and with sports.

The first thing I want you to do if you’ve identified a real problem is recognize whether this is the problem or whether it’s a symptom of a bigger problem.  Because things like gaming addictions and sports betting in 13-year-old boys are often a symptom of something bigger.  So one of the things you should be doing is getting some kind of mental health assessment.

Because you might find that your child is feeling anxious and left out and that’s the cause. You still have to treat the addiction but you’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t treat the root cause.  

The second thing you want to do is consider your own behavior.  You don’t have to stop watching sports as a family, but you do have to completely stop your child from betting on sports.  There are lots of ways to enjoy sports watching and spectating without betting.  

I think if you have a child that’s over-betting and you’re concerned about it, maybe it’s time for the whole family to take a break from betting.  You guys can watch sports together, go to sports together, and enjoy it for the sport and not for the betting.  It’s a modeling thing.  

If you’re going to bet with your child at all when they’re young, you need to be fully regulated.  We want this team to win, and I have bet on it; and if they don’t win, it was a game, it was entertainment.  That type of modeling is all right; that’s just a form of entertainment that you’re not old enough to do, but you can do with your parent.

GG: What are your perspectives on gaming, in terms of when it’s too much, when that behavior becomes problematic, and how parents can seek to shape an environment that supports appropriate gaming and at the same time recognizes when it can be problematic?

JG: As I mentioned, I’m pro-gaming in general.  I think it’s very pro-social.  It’s pro-social for boys and girls; boys in particular.  Sometimes middle school, high school, and adult men have difficulty with social interactions.  Boys connect through gaming, and I don’t think that’s necessarily bad.  It’s a good way to connect with real friends online, and for some people that are socially isolated, it’s a good way to connect with other people.  

The other thing I’ve seen that’s very pro-social about it is that, depending on the platform, if they’re talking to the people while they’re playing, even if they’re yelling at each other, they’re talking.  It’s almost like they’re disinhibited because they’re playing, so they’ll start to talk about whatever—school life, girls, friends—in a way that you don’t typically see middle school and high school boys talk.  We all kind of know all the negative stuff, but I want to mention some of the stuff that I think is positive.

However, we know it hits dopamine and there is absolutely such thing as gaming disorder.   But for most kids, it’s just that they can’t get off of it, and that makes it hard to do their homework and it’s hard to go to bed. So, in my mind, I’m all for gaming as long as it’s not interfering with sleep and it’s not interfering with school and it’s not interfering with activities.  It’s about balance and parenting.  

One of the other things I didn’t mention that’s important to talk about in terms of parenting and all of this is this restriction binge approach to stuff.  I think as parents now, and there’s been a shift, people are restricting more now than they were 5 years ago, which I love in general, but I want to be mindful of the sort of binge problem.

So I really want to be mindful that we’re talking about the healthy types of gaming.  If you want to understand the gaming, stop being afraid of it and learn about it. If you’re somebody who can game, game with them.  But if you’re not, just learn about it.  Why do they like it?  

The other thing I would say is, as you’re setting limits with games, is to be thoughtful of the game.  Do not ask kids to get off their game in the middle of game.  It’s like the carnal rule as a parent with gaming.   You’re showing so much more respect to your child if you say, once you get to level 5 or once this dies or once you lose this game, it needs to shut down.  But that’s going to require regulation on your part, right?  Because now you’ve got to wait 5 or 10 minutes.  And my guess is that it was not your intention [to ruin their game].  Your intention was just for them to go to sleep.  So, again, as a parent, taking an interest in the game and understanding the natural stopping points, and being proud of them if this is something that they’re proud of.

GG:   I love the way you really refer to the literacy that parents can have relative to these games as way to show interest in their kids.  With regards to body image, I want to start with what you are seeing in your practice and in your experience.

JG: I think that we’re getting the detrimental effects of social media on body image and girls and boys, but particularly girls’ self-esteem and body image.

I am also observing that parents are having an easier time restricting screens—and I know parents out there might be surprised.  Because there’s so much more research and there’s so much more literacy and education about it, it’s not as weird for 7th and 8th graders to not have phones.  Five years ago, every 7th and 8th grader was on social media.  Now, it’s less so because the parents are feeling more empowered to set limits.

I am very impressed with how savvy kids are about AI.  I think this generation of kids is savvier and more critical consumers online, so they know a lot of it’s bullshit.  But we still need to instill the confidence and the strength.  The messaging with young kids all along is that no bodies that you’re seeing on a screen are real.  Period.  It’s not just Photoshop, it doesn’t even exist, this person.

One of the things I really think about with body image is looking at beauty in real life.  Real beauty is what’s around you.  So, as a parent, you can point out things that you think are beautiful in real life.

We want not to comment on weight and things like that.  But there’s lots of beauty in the world that you can point out, whatever it is and whatever it means to you.  This is also a value thing.   If you don’t want your kids to use influencers to determine what’s beautiful and what they want to look like, then they have to have another voice.  And that other voice has to be you.

And it’s not just about focusing on external beauty, it’s internal beauty as well.  For example, saying a person is strong.  One of the problems that we’ve seen in social media is that things were always looks-oriented.  Everything is about looks.  So if you’re raising girls and boys, especially girls in this topic, you really want to talk about real beauty and real beauty means not just the superficial stuff, it also means intelligence, strength, and skill.  Talking about that really sends your value system to your kids.  And that arms them with what they need to navigate all this crap on social media and body image.  

This is where I believe parents need to instill their values in their kids.  Because otherwise the influencers are doing it.  

GG: One other question that came through is this issue of peer pressure.  What are some of the ways in which you advocate to address that?

JG: One thing for teens and pre-teens is that they never want to be the first child doing something, but they also don’t want to be the last child doing it either.  So understanding where the peer group is really helpful.  

The whole politics with parents is interesting and it’s hard.  Every child is different.   So, for instance, with phones, sometimes young kids need phones for certain reasons that other kids don’t need.  It is personal.  It is true, though, with the sports betting and stuff, that it is very social, and that if all of your friends are betting, you can be left out.

That’s why things can’t be black and white.  I’m not saying never, ever, ever.  I’m saying, you have to talk about it and it has to make sense.  And it doesn’t just go for betting, it goes for everything, right?  It’s peer pressure.  But there’s always been peer pressure.  So the skills you use personally to manage peer pressure yourself are the same skills you’re going to use with your kids. 

It also matters who your kid is and what grade they are.  Are they vulnerable kids or are they not vulnerable kids?  With vulnerable kids, you need to be more engaged.  I know that everybody out there is doing a gazillion things.  You need to know which of your kids you’re worried about, and you do have to micromanage them more.  There are other kids for whom it’s not such a big deal.

GG: I want to acknowledge one thing that you said that was so important relative to peer pressure, which is parental validation of how hard it is.  I think that people don’t realize the superpower that validation is.  

JG:  At the end of the day, you just have to keep the conversation going.  Validating that peer pressure is hard, and telling him that you’ve dealt with it, and sometimes you dealt with it well and sometimes you didn’t.  That’s validating to your kids—you can never validate your kids enough.   

In some ways, parents can help or maybe they can’t help, but they can certainly help guide their kids.  But that’s the whole role of parenting, right?  

The superpower parenting thing is that you get your kids to talk to you so that you can be on the journey with them.