When my daughter was 17 years old, she had a freak surfing accident in which one of her fingers was partially amputated by the leg rope of the surfboard. She was on the West Coast at the time, and it was the second day of the academic program she was attending out there.

She was remarkably strong. She insisted that she didn’t need us to fly out there and begged us not to remove her from the program and bring her home. She was even able to surf again towards the end of her stay.

I was, and remain, in awe of her fortitude and independence.

And, when she finally arrived home, six weeks later, she fell apart. Physically, she developed a 103 degree fever from strep throat (even though her tonsils had been removed years earlier). Within another three to four months, she began to have symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) — looking down at her desk at school and seeing blood, crying randomly and panicking.

This type of delayed and drawn out response to trauma is not unusual. In fact, it can even take years before the effects of trauma surface. I cite my daughter’s story because I think as parents of teenagers in the post pandemic era we need to be prepared for the possible aftershock of the trauma that we all went through. And to remain tuned in to our children’s behaviors in the upcoming months and even years.

….as parents of teenagers in the post pandemic era we need to be prepared for the possible aftershock of the trauma that we all went through. And to remain tuned in to our children’s behaviors in the upcoming months and even years.

But, you might think, why would our kids have experienced the pandemic as a trauma? After all, you may have moved out of the city for the duration, made it fun to order special meals in, planned a Family Fun night once a week, and done other things with the hope of mitigating the impact of Covid-19 on the family. Your teen may have successfully navigated remote schooling; you may have created a social or athletic “pod” for your teen. Other than everyone remaining together for over a year under the same roof, things may have gone pretty smoothly for you.  So why would your teenager be traumatized?

The answer lies partly in their developmental stage. The primary drive for teenagers during this period of time is to Individuate (become independent from their parents and the family system) and Differentiate (begin to express different values, opinions and thoughts from their parents and the family system). This developmental drive is the same as the one that urges a baby to walk. It cannot be ignored or delayed in a baby and, if disrupted, it has fairly dire consequences. The same is true of the developmental drives of teenagers.

The Pandemic delayed these two developmental drives in our teenagers. It kept them from individuating and differentiating on schedule. It suspended their normal growth process. It’s likely that this disruption, for this amount of time, will have consequences.

It’s important to note that I’m not predicting that all teenagers will have a post traumatic response. After all, not all teenagers are the same. Some will have fallen apart during the pandemic, only to emerge resilient and capable. Some will have shown that resiliency and capability during the pandemic, only to fall apart afterwards like my daughter did after her accident. Others may go years before any effects surface and, still others may go about their lives as if nothing happened.

The point of this article is to help you recognize the signs of trauma in order to catch it early and be empathetic to what your teen is going through, and to give you some tools to handle any traumatic responses that your teen might exhibit.

According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, people who are affected by a traumatic situation may experience “exhaustion, confusion, sadness, anxiety, agitation, numbness, dissociation, physical arousal (such as anger), and / or blunted affect.”

If your teenager has any of these signs, it’s important to normalize and empathize with what they’re going through. Often, when tweens and teens display the mental aftermath of trauma, parents will diminish the experience, saying things like “What’s wrong with you?” or  “Snap out of it.”  Other parents will ask questions like “Why are you lying around in bed all the time?” “Why can’t you get off of your computer and be with the family for a change?” 

Both types of responses arise from an ongoing stigma around mental illness in our society that simply doesn’t exist when a person is physically ill. When your child has a 103 degree fever, it’s easy to be empathetic and recognize it as a sign that something is physically wrong with them that needs to be treated. Unfortunately, the same is not true for mental health. When a child complains of exhaustion we blame them for not getting enough sleep. When they’re anxious we frown and say, “What have you got to be anxious about?” When they’re sad we talk about how lucky they are to have everything they have and point out examples of people who are less well off than they.

The point of this article is to help you recognize the signs of trauma in order to catch it early and be empathetic to what your teen is going through, and to give you some tools to handle any traumatic responses that your teen might exhibit.

It’s likewise true that we recognize that many physical illnesses are ones that can be treated and are, therefore, temporary. However, we act as if mental illness is untreatable and permanent. Even worse, we often automatically label mental illness as bad, scary or dangerous to others.

This failure to see the signs of trauma as normal, usually temporary, and treatable does a terrible disservice to our teenagers. At a time in their lives when they are heavily involved in developing their identity, the disbelief of their experience of trauma leaves them feeling abnormal, cut-off from reality, and hopeless.

One of the most encouraging things parents can do to help their teens transition to a post-pandemic era is to recognize and validate their feelings. You don’t even need to connect their feelings to the Pandemic, so if you’re saying to yourself, “My kid wasn’t traumatized. They just took advantage of remote schooling to sleep through classes because they could get away with it,” you can still recognize the feelings which, regardless of the cause, are valid. You could say (non-judgmentally), “It seems like you’re tired a lot, is there anything I can do to help?” Or, “You seem a little ‘flat’ lately. Your energy seems to be low. Do you want to talk about it?” If they’re sad, you could say, “You seem down. Anything I can do?” If they seem angry, you can say, “I’m concerned. You seem so angry. Can I help?”

Even if they refuse to talk, or respond as if you’re being critical, you’ve planted an important seed — that of recognition that they’re going through something — and you’ve opened the door to communication as well.

Key for this kind of validation to be effective is to establish a non-judgmental tone of voice. Remember the truism that “Kids do well if they can.” No one wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, “Hey, I know! I’m going to fail today. I’m gonna be miserable!” 

If your teen isn’t doing well, it’s because something is standing in their way. Prior to the Pandemic, I would ask parents to look for things that could be affecting their child like learning disabilities, social struggles, physical or mental stress or illness. Those things could still be affecting your teenager unrelated to Covid-19, but let’s call a spade a spade — given that they just spent the better part of two years (and two grade levels) in a completely abnormal environment, unlike anything they (or we) have ever experienced before, I’d place a bet that we can cite the Pandemic as at least part of the problem.

Even if they refuse to talk, or respond as if you’re being critical, you’ve planted an important seed — that of recognition that they’re going through something — and you’ve opened the door to communication as well.

Another thing you can do in the post pandemic era is to encourage your teen to resume life as they knew it. Express confidence that they’re capable of being independent and that you support and love the ways in which they’re different from you. You don’t have to agree with the opinions they have, but you can admire that they are thinking independently. Ultimately, this can serve to jump start their potentially stalled development.

Finally, if you think that your teen needs professional help, seek it out. Don’t wait until a crisis becomes full blown. It’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Julie A. Ross, MA, is author of How to Hug a Porcupine: Negotiating the Prickly Points of the Tween Years and Joint Custody With A Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex.

Listen to Julie on The Parenting Horizons Podcast.

Contact Julie at julie.ross@parentinghorizons.com (www.parentinghorizons.com) or 212-765-2377.

Julie is available for private and group counseling.