Sari Cooper on “Countering the Messages of Internet Porn” – September 30, 2021 Webinar 

By Melanie Wells

For generations, “the talk,” has triggered parental dread. Frankness is easier today, but we have the added challenge of countering the messages of online porn. What is a parent to do?

Sari Cooper, LCSW, AASECT and Certified Sex Therapist, offered useful advice at NYC-Parents in Action’s recent Webinar, “Help Your Teen Develop Healthy Self Esteem: Countering the Messages of Internet Porn.” Modeling frankness, she shared practical conversation starters parents can use to initiate discussion without sacrificing accuracy or openness.

I want you to envision how your kids will learn to understand their own multi-layered identity, and how porn might affect that. – Sari Cooper

Sari noted that when she became certified, she found clients in their 20s or 30s complaining of ED, pain, low desire and discomfort in communicating what they liked. “I want you to envision how your kids will learn to understand their own multi-layered identity, and how porn might affect that,” she told parents. Internet porn, as a substitute for a sexual education, does your kids no favors. Its effects run counter to developing a healthy sexual self-esteem, or “Sex Esteem,” a concept Sari has developed to help reach a comfortable intersection of emotional wellness and healthy, satisfying sexuality.

Parents often hear about the value of fostering media literacy in their children to hone critical thinking skills. If teens view online porn, Sari explained that encouraging them to explore how porn may mislead, can be part of the goal to cultivate media literacy.

Why is it important for you to introduce conversations with your child about pornography?

Sari began by defining porn, noting Justice Potter’s famous, but rather evasive quote: “I know it when I see it.” Comics still use this line to show how subjective the definition can be, but Sari’s more complete definition includes: “sexually and erotically explicit material” that can expose areas of the body “usually kept hidden” and can depict “a range of behaviors that usually elicit arousal.”

A very large portion of teens now do view porn, and as the majority hide the activity from parents, it’s a widespread covert phenomenon that parents need to address. So why do we experience “porn panic?”

Sari acknowledged that “often, parents are uncomfortable talking about any aspect of sexuality” and explained that our own parents’ discomfort may be key to how we feel. She modeled how we can become “more vulnerable” by looking back at our own youth. As an example she recalled her mother giving her a pamphlet about menstruation, but saying nothing about sensations in the body, or self-pleasuring, or that it’s normal for kids to masturbate in private.  Sari also recalled, at age 10,  going with her parents to see “Cabaret.”
“I didn’t get the reference to “wirgins” in the opening number, she said, and asked, “What’s a wirgin?” to which her father answered, “It’s someone who hasn’t screwed yet.” That didn’t help. “Now I’m mortified. Now, there are TWO words I don’t understand, and my father has made a joke at my expense.” The messages 10-year-old Sari took from this exchange?

1) Don’t ask about sexuality – you’ll be made fun of;

2) Sexuality you see in media is “not appropriate for you to understand”;

3) Women’s sexuality can be “a punchline in a film, and they don’t have a voice to give a comeback, because men are the characters in charge,” and the directors behind the scenes.

Sari suggested that countering such messages comes through openness and communication.

She then explained her Sex Esteem model, an “educational curriculum” for empowerment, to help people “own what they’re curious about,” communicate effectively and “decrease shame and guilt.” To help your kids, she said, you need to practice your own Sex Esteem. She encouraged using recall. “Reflect on your own childhoods, at the ages your kids are now” and think about what you went through. Ask yourself: What did you know, then, about eroticism? What did you learn and how did you learn it? When did you first get exposed to sexually explicit material? Who did you talk to about it? What messages did you receive? Were they accurate? Did any adults in your life cross boundaries with you, even in ways they looked at you? Become aware of what you wish you had known.

Sari emphasized teaching your child about privacy and boundaries. If your kids ask you when you did what, Sari advised saying, “I hold my sexual life as private.” You might also add, “When I was a teen I didn’t share sexual experiences” because I was aware people “spread rumors.” This is still true and maybe worse, as social media spreads rumors further and faster than gossip.

Sari told parents to warn kids not to post sexual or erotic imagery about themselves. She also advised offering to hold kids’ information as private, if shared. Say, “If you choose to share anything with me I’ll keep it private, unless you tell me someone is being hurt or hurting others,” in which case, you’d need to “break confidence in order to get help.”

Sari then listed the key “C pillars of Sex Esteem”:

1) Calm. Using mindful breathing, take a break before choosing a porn area to discuss. Don’t shame. Don’t escalate to argument.

2) Clarity. Get science-based information. For example, many queer kids know they’re queer at early ages. Their experiences aren’t covered in Sex Ed. Don’t jump to conclusions – get facts.

3) Compassion. Empathize with those who have different views. If minority racial identity, or identification as LGBTQ+, or socio-economic difference, or neural atypicality or uncertainty on how to identify do not describe you, summon empathy. We don’t always know who our kids might become. Expressing compassion for diverse characters in TV shows you’ve viewed together, can signal your capacity for acceptance.

4) Communication. Articulate interests your tween or teen has. Listen. Reflect back.

5) Curiosity. Accept that your kids are curious about sexuality and there’s a wide swath of info NOT being made available to them. Compliment your child’s curiosity.

6) Confidence. You want your kids to feel confidence about their bodies, desires, and ability to learn about both. They should know how to get info needed to make decisions right for them.

7) Creativity (as in “playfulness”) is important in “real” sexuality, not porn. This can include flirting, banter and using good listening skills.

8) Consent. This includes non-consensual sharing of nude pics, which is against the law. New York State also lists as a crime posting images depicting sexual activity by an underage person.

Use the ‘C’ pillars as your guide. Set your framework: the ethics, values, priorities you want to impart to your kids, said Sari. Let them know there’s a “wider framework” than that depicted in sexually explicit material. “The majority of porn is primarily produced by straight white men,” FOR straight white men, said Sari. False impressions in mainstream porn include the myth that all males are “tough, stoic, willing to tolerate pain,” and will embrace sexual violence like “forced kissing” or rough sex including “choking or face slapping during sex.”

Being called names during sex (like “bitch” or “slut”) was reported by 25% of women, and 45.2% of gender non-binary individuals.

Does watching porn increase the number of kids trying these behaviors? Sari cited a study showing porn viewing could be a risk factor for condomless sex, which happens in cases where parents engaged in little to no sex discussion with their children. Additional to comprehensive sex ed in schools, parents having conversations with their kids about sexual boundaries is a critical factor in helping kids make good decisions about sexual behavior.

As with teaching media literacy and demystifying intent behind product, questions help, said Sari. Ask, “Why do you think producers of these shows are not showing the sexual partners using condoms?” or, “What do you think the ethics should be around talking about using condoms?” What about stealthing? (Male partner “stealthily” removes condom without receiving partner’s knowledge.) Tell your child that “if one partner isn’t willing to go without a condom it’s okay not to go forward.”

Sari stressed helping your teens “become sexually ethical persons” who discuss each sexual behavior beforehand. If a partner insists on choking, slapping or using humiliating words, your child may need help and should be able to come to you to get it. It doesn’t have to be awkward to discuss this in context of sexual ethics.

Sari noted the specific vulnerability of kids identifying as gay: violence depicted in porn is often forced on gender-non-conforming teens.

Sari also addressed the body image myths of porn; to be considered hot one must be “thin, ripped, able-bodied, physically flexible.”  Ask: How do you think seeing these images affects how young people feel about their bodies? Tell your child, “Many performers are chosen for their physical features” and don’t look like the average person. Sari also stressed noting how production values bolster myths – lighting, shaved genitals, camera angles, all create illusion.

To puncture the myths, ask your child to think about how filming tricks change the actors’ appearance. Many female actors get breast enlargement, or have had pubic hair removed, said Sari, so porn can contribute to “women feeling what they’re born with isn’t sexy enough.” Ask: “Are parts of your body making you feel you aren’t good enough?” Tell your child that porn producers don’t want to shoot realistic sex; they’re selling a fantasy. You don’t want your kids to fall for the fantasy.

Let your child know that partners can be “understanding and patient” with one another. Erectile dysfunction can occur when people are nervous. If troubled, your teens should feel they can come to you for help.

For girls: depictions of very large penises can be frightening. (And boys worry about their penis size, often seeking a Viagra Rx.) If sexual scenes last very long, that may be frightening too. Share research and facts with your teen.

Asking kids open-ended questions, and then listening, is crucial. Accusatory questions will close down the chance of a good conversation. Invite dialog by watching shows together and discussing them. Ask kids to consider who is directing or producing the shows and what role biases may play in influencing the final production.

You can also recall something you watched yourself, said Sari. Saying, “I was watching a show and I thought it was funny that in the UK they call masturbating wanking,” uses humor to break the ice. Above all, get the conversations started.

Sari then took a few questions from the viewers:

Q: I found 2 vibrators in my 9^th grader’s things when she came home from a summer program. What should I do?

A: Respect privacy. It is great that she’s exploring her self-pleasure. Yet it’s hard to directly address without indicating you don’t respect privacy. It’s probably not a cause for concern.

Q: My daughter saw a boy masturbating. How to address?

A: Often we jump to the worst context, so first find out more. Ask: Where did this happen? Was the boy’s clothing on or off? Was it in a private place that you walked in on, or in public? It raises important questions about boundaries and privacy, and the daughter’s understanding of what she saw. Sari said her son would come home with words he heard on the playground, but didn’t always know what they meant, so she’d ask him, what do YOU think it means? Ask that question. Get context, and find out what the child may be seeking from you, by bringing it up.

As in all areas surrounding good parenting practices, regular communication is still the best policy. Talk to your children, honestly and often, even if the subject matter seems daunting.