NYC-Parents in Action Parent Lifelines
“Helping Kids Make Good Choices”
September 24, 2024
By Melanie Wells
Dr. Laurie B. Freeman welcomed guest speakers Dr. Cara Natterson and author Vanessa Kroll Bennett to discuss the “awkward stuff” parents of teens face, including mood swings; how teen brain development works; and how we do the best for our kids during a complex time. Dr. Freeman asked the speakers to introduce themselves:
Dr. Cara Natterson noted she is a pediatrician based in LA, who transitioned to her writing career in 2008, founding a company called “Less Awkward,” and writing about it with Vanessa Kroll Bennett.
Vanessa Kroll Bennett noted she is NY based and approaches puberty work through a sports lens, having founded Dynamo Girl – an initiative to boost girls’ self-esteem and sports participation – where she and colleagues noticed that girls were entering puberty earlier than expected. Research revealed this is a national phenomenon that began over a decade ago.
The speakers stressed that teaching about the body and brain changes of puberty makes us – adults and our teens both – better informed and less likely to feel bad about mistakes. Their book, This is So Awkward, Modern Puberty Explained, is meant to help all adults; even teachers need preparation for this age. “We’ve found that parents want to do right but don’t know what they’re supposed to say; we want people to feel happy and confident about having the conversations.”
Dr. Laurie Freeman: From your book, tell us a few takeaways you want parents to have, to make them feel more grounded in the “tricky places.”
Dr. Cara Natterson: Our book is designed to meet you where you are. All of the physical, social and emotional hurdles that kids need to clear are discussed. We have granular chapters on body changes, mood swings and brain development, but we also talk about friendships, consent, STDs. All these are driven by sex hormonal development. We talk about trusted adults, which includes not just parents but grandparents, teachers, coaches. These adults need to start with science-based information so they can jump into conversations with teens with the right knowledge to delve into an issue effectively.
Vanessa Kroll Bennet: We have two overarching principles:
- Listen more, lecture less. We want to elicit their thoughts, reactions;
- Take the do-over. We all mess up with teens – it’s a hard time for kids and for caregivers.
Take a deep breath, take the pressure off, try again. This signals to kids that they can mess up and come back from it, too. When we take do-overs, we model what it looks like to come back from a mistake.
LF: Examples?
VB: A health and sex educator was asked by her child, “What’s sex,” and replied, “It’s a very special hug.” She was horrified at herself! She went back to her kid and said, “Hey remember what I replied to your question? Let’s find out what you were really asking. Here’s one way I wish I’d answered, let’s look at it again.” You can also say how you feel: “My pits are sweating, I can hardly breathe, but this is so important, I’ll manage my discomfort and try to answer!”
CN: My own mess-up: when my daughter (now 21) was in Kindergarten, she was behaving badly and I was at wit’s end. I said, if you do this again, that’s it, I’m taking away reading!” She did — and I did! Then I thought, this is bad! I went back and said, “I’m taking a do-over on this – this consequence doesn’t feel right.” There are plenty of opportunities to catch ourselves. Sometimes follow-through is the most important thing even if it feels a bit severe, but at other times you can take the do-over and find a different consequence, or follow through on it now, but later adjust.
LF: This helps with shame; if you say “I need a do-over because it didn’t feel right” it tells kids they too can say, “I need a do-over,” and not go into a shame spiral.
VB: Everyone has been through this, blowing up out of proportion to some minor thing like a kid forgetting a backpack. Saying, “Oh no, I messed up, I overreacted” and taking the do-over, helps kids. Don’t self-flagellate, use the opportunity to build a stronger connection with your kid, by modeling.
LF: How should parents balance punishment so it’s weighty enough but won’t impact kids in a way we don’t want to impact them?
VB: Consequences are part of what needs to happen and should be related to what the infraction was, but I’m more interested in why the limits were broken in the first place. What caused the kid to transgress on phone use, or curfew? Ask: is our system and our communication working? Is our contract working? Do we need to revisit how we’re operating as a family? Are our expectations realistic? Are our kids hanging out with friends who lead them to less than stellar choices? “Open the hood of the car.” Find out what’s causing things to not work as you think they should.
CN: Most pediatricians are trained to say discipline works best when you take away the thing that matters most. But sometimes taking away what really matters to a teen or tween might mean taking away social interaction or sports, which are good for them. Yes, get underneath to find the root, but also ask, are the consequences I’m setting effective? If the consequence is social restriction – taking kids away from friends – then self-reflect. Get some help from someone like you, Laurie, who works with family mental health – to provide guidance in setting up a consequence that won’t isolate your kid.
For everything we’re talking about, visit our website, lessawkward.com and find it there.
LF: So the big question is, how can I help you with whatever made you break this rule? Make it safe for your child to talk about it. Overly harsh consequences can make it harder to have the good conversation.
CN: We have lots of data about differences between authoritarian and authoritative parents.
- Authoritarian parents don’t generally give a “why” or a rationale (“I’m the adult and I say so”);
- Authoritative parents, though still playing the adult role and giving consequences, do it in a way that brings kids into conversations. When kids face a challenge (as all will) they’ll be more likely go to the authoritative parent who has set clear guard rails; who says I love you, therefore I give you limits; who encourages communication; and who will hold limits until and unless adjustment is needed. This works.
VB: I’ve figured out how to turn consequences into acts of service, not punishment but making themselves useful, in the home or community. Acts of service help with mental wellness, self-esteem and fostering gratitude. A 14-yr old could help with laundry or groceries, visit an elderly relative, babysit. It contributes to the family and helps remove shame, which is an obstacle to good connection.
LF: We have questions about a kid who has emotional outbursts -your thoughts?
CN: Two things drive the difficult behaviors that almost all parents see (hardly any kids are immune from mood swings). Why is this? Two things:
- Their sex hormones rise and fall over the course of hours during puberty. When the teen brain is exposed to these changing levels, the difference between high and low make their brains wire and fire differently. It literally changes the way the brain works and reacts. When you see your child behave in one direction – silent, over-reactive, then a couple hours later usual behavior re-emerges – you are seeing how these hormones drive moodiness.
- Brain development: different areas mature at different times. It takes almost 30 years for their brains to fully mature. The mid-brain is mature at Middle School age, but the pre-frontal cortex that helps balance thinking and emotions and aids decision-making won’t mature until almost age 30. This mismatch in maturation accounts for poor decisions, impulsivity. And the combination of brain immaturity and sex hormone flooding leads to the behaviors we see. If you understand this science, and let your child understand this science, it will help. Explain to them what’s going on and talk about how we can use knowledge to help behave differently.
VB: When we talk to kids, we elicit from them how to help them handle their own brains during this time and find things to do to help them cope when dysregulation happens. Getting outside, getting fresh air, curating play lists for different moods are helpful. You can say, “Hey it feels like you may want to listen to your playlist now, we’ll revisit this later.”
Kids are works in progress, they’re literally under construction, with the pathways of their brains being laid down. The behavior/mood swings aren’t their fault. They just need to find ways to help themselves cope, and to take a moment before making a decision.
When they explode or shut us out or go silent, it’s not a choice and it’s not personal. It’s only directed at us because we’re their safe place. A few hours later, they may act like nothing happened but you’re still sitting there hurt that they said “I hate you.” If this happens, give them time to calm down, then say, “Hey it seems like it’s a really tough day and I’m here to help, but I want you to know when you say those things it really hurts my feelings, so I’ll ask you not to say them anymore. But for now, let’s talk about how I can help you.”
CN: We are asking you to hold two things in mind at the same time – empathize, AND set limits. Don’t do just one. It won’t get you where you want to go.
LF: What about when your rules differ from those of your kids friends’ parents?
VB: Many of you hear your kids say, “everyone else’s parents let them.” But any time your kid says ‘everyone else’ your alarm should go off, saying it isn’t accurate. Tell them, “Different families have different rules. We can revisit this in six months but this is my boundary now.” Or if you are very curious about where other families stand you can have a group chat and ask parents about their policies on various issues. To your child, say, I set this rule because it makes you safer – no phone in the room helps you get more sleep.
LF: I like that idea of saying “I’m doing this because it’s in your best interest.”
CN: Know that kids use each other to leap-frog rules. They may tell a friend they’re allowed to do something they’re not, so the other kid pressures HIS parent, gets a more lenient rule; then your child comes home and points out that kid’s easier rule. This does show intelligence and planning. But it’s manipulation, so tell your child that rules are different in every house, and different rules are based on different kids, and, this is the rule FOR YOU, right now. We can change it later. Your child will have different rules two years from now, and has different rules now than a sibling who is two years younger.
LF: When do I let my child make their own decisions?
VB: It’s super important that a kid get 30 minutes of physical activity daily, for mental and physical health. It does NOT have to be a soccer team or a gym – it can be yoga, walking the dog, dance lessons – anything. So you can say, you must move your body, but it doesn’t have to be a sports team. What are three things YOU can choose to help you get activity each day? Let them help decide, but don’t let them avoid moving their bodies. Hold firm that it’s your job as parents to keep them SAFE and HEALTHY.
CN: Such questions vary by child, parent and circumstance. Risk-averse kids might be given decision-making opportunities earlier, but all parents must wade slowly into these waters, because kids can’t launch without SOME experience trying to make decisions for themselves. Tell them they have to stay safe and healthy and it’s your job to ensure that, but ask them what they’d like to try. It’s not your job to be the best fried, but to be the one who keeps them safe and healthy. A good motto to remember is, “Hate me now, thank me later.”
LF: What about single parents?
CN: I grew up with single parent. I realized what they’re juggling when there’s no second body to hand off to. It’s hard, the challenge is real and the exhaustion is palpable. We see and honor you single parents who are managing, but that said, you’ve got a job to do. Your kids often emerge from the other end of teen years with greater appreciation for the parental job because single parents are often good at articulating, “This is hard.” Non-single parents can learn that explaining to your kid, “I’m at wit’s end and need five minutes” is a good strategy. This teaches your child he can say, “I need a moment,” too.
VB: We encourage kids to find trusted adults – and we, too, need them when we’re overwhelmed. We need people to turn to for solace, advice, comfort. Raising teens is a private time, it’s hard to express all of what’s going on, so finding a non-judgmental confidant is good for sharing worries.
LF: Facing complicated emotional content, such as a child’s body changes, memories of our own adolescence, or having to deal with a child’s growing sexual interest, or of being the object of sexual desire – these can bring up emotions, even trauma. You’ve offered rich, helpful guidance, encouraging parents to learn what their children are going through. And you’ve set useful tenets: