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SUMMARY:Facilitator Refresher 4 - FAPC
DESCRIPTION:8:30 am – 1:00 pm \nInitiating Team: Facilitation\nCoordinator: Josseline Charas
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/facilitator-refresher-4-fapc/
LOCATION:5th Avenue Presbyterian Church\, 7 West 55th Street\, New York\, NY\, 10019\, United States
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
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BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20170307T190000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20170307T203000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012806Z
CREATED:20180917T221620Z
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SUMMARY:Fathers Forum 2017
DESCRIPTION:Fathers Forum 2017: You Asked\, They Answered By John Lloyd \nWhat would happen if you put an engaging group of experts in front of a crowd of engaged fathers and let the audience drive the conversation? The 8th annual PIA Fathers Forum set out to answer that question. It worked. The session went 45 minutes longer than scheduled\, to handle the volume of questions; and even as it ended\, dozens of fathers lined up to continue the discussion with panel members one-on-one. The evening provided a judgment-free environment where fathers could talk openly about their struggles. \nThis year’s PIA Fathers Forum was held on March 7th at the Trevor Day Upper School. Roughly 150 dads\, representing 40 different schools\, heard from an impressive panel of educators and experts\, all fathers themselves. \nModerator Bill DeHaven\, Head of School\, Winston Preparatory School\, was joined by panelists Paul Burke\, Head of School at The Nightingale-Bamford School; Joshua Mandel\, Doctor of Psychology\, Director of Psychological Services at Collegiate School; and Jerry Bubrick\, PhD\, Senior Director\, Anxiety and Mood Disorders Center and Director OCD Service\, Child Mind Institute. \nIn a departure from previous Forums organized around a single topic\, this evening’s focus was questions from the audience\, which covered a wide range of topics: \n\nThe role of fathers\nA number of questions noted the changing role of fathers. Bill said that fathers have an image problem\, as mothers are traditionally seen as the nurturers and caregivers. It’s time for dads to stand up\, he added\, as the presence of fathers in children’s lives is so impactful. \nBoth boys and girls learn about maleness from the male adults around them\, Josh said. Men who were themselves taught to suppress their emotions have to guard against slipping back into stereotypical fathering – i.e. exerting control. This just extends this same problem to another generation. \nWhen a father and his child have a close relationship\, research shows the child will be better off not just early on but for rest of his or her life. The list of benefits is long and broad: \n\nHigher tolerance for frustration and stress\nIncreased openness to trying new things and connecting with others\nImproved emotional health\, empathy\, and self-control\nResistance to gender-stereotypical attitudes\n\nJosh works at an all-boys school\, and he has seen that boys who have a close relationship with their fathers handle ups and downs more smoothly. Paul works at an all-girls school and stressed that daughters look to fathers for guidance on how men should treat women\, including noting how they treat the child’s mother. \n\nFamily conflict\nA number of questions focused on sources of family conflict\, including parent-child conflict and issues between parents themselves. \nIf your child seems to go out of his or her way to challenge you – “You can’t make me!” – Jerry suggested ways to interrupt that dynamic: \n\nKeep your own emotions in check (kids won’t respond reasonably to negativity)\nFocus on effecting a change rather than trying to “win”\nDiscuss with your spouse – in private and away from the child – strategies for defusing these situations\n\nIt’s okay if you and your partner have different approaches to parenting\, Josh said. Kids need to understand that mom and dad don’t agree on everything. Recent research shows the benefits of children being exposed to two differing approaches to parenting. \nBe careful\, however\, not to show a lack of respect for your partner in front of kids\, Jerry stressed. Instead\, model how you want your children to react. Are you teaching them that someone’s right and someone’s wrong\, or are you teaching them compromise? A top indicator of a child’s success in school is how his or her parents treat each other. \nFor fathers dealing with the impact of a divorce on the child: if they are resistant to engaging with you\, consider letting them design the time you spend together. That might mean just playing a video game side by side. As Bill said\, “We can’t not have a place in our kids’ lives\, no matter what.” \n\nBody image\nJerry reminded the audience that it’s normal for both girls and boys to be nervous about how their bodies are perceived. He advised being watchful for signs of excess: restrictions on eating\, constant mirror-checking\, and wearing excess clothing (such as sweaters and long sleeves in summer). \nGirls’ struggles\, however\, are underscored by modern media – women in films (including teens) are four times more likely to be shown wearing sexually revealing clothes as are men\, and three times more likely to appear partially naked. \nAsked what the fathers in the audience could do\, Paul stressed modelling respectful behavior. When the onslaught of images comes\, tell your daughter you’re not into that. He quoted Catherine Steiner-Adair: make a point to tell your daughter you love her when she’s at her messiest. \n\nMood disorders\nThe audience asked about how to identify clinical depression and bipolar disorder. Jerry\, an expert in this area\, took the lead in responding. He stressed that these conditions are different from moodiness\, and that rapid switches between calm behavior and anger was normal for adolescents. \n\nIf you’re concerned about depression\, watch for marked changes in normal function\, such as falling grades (an A student now getting Cs and not caring); increased isolation; and abnormal irritability.\nBipolar disorder can be indicated by wide swings from normal to way-over-the-top to normal to real depression.\nSeeing the above symptoms doesn’t mean there’s something there\, Jerry continued\, but they should spark a conversation. “I noticed you’re not spending as much time with your homework\, am I right about that?” Avoid easily dismissed questions like\, “Is everything okay?” and make sure you’re having a conversation\, not delivering a monologue.\n\nJosh reminded the audience that all kids are going to go through rough times. If your child is struggling at home but is doing well at school or with friends\, it may be less of a concern. However\, when parents and teachers notice the same problem\, that’s more concerning. Bill agreed\, saying that “Our kids show their worst selves to us at home\,” and stressed that parents of kids in independent schools should leverage the “amazing resources” available to them. Don’t hesitate to advocate for your child. \n\nSocial media\nThe panel agreed that recent years in NYC have never been harder for kids\, because of social media\, the economy\, politics\, and school pressure. Paul said we’re in an “anxiety epidemic\,” exacerbated by the onslaught of technology and what it demands of children. \nThat said\, he advised against raising the stakes\, which only adds stress. Kids are going to make mistakes offline and online. Don’t worry about a childhood mistake being discovered later by a college or a future employer (who will most likely be a millennial with a different perspective than yours anyway). \n\nIn response to questions about limiting screen time\, Jerry said it’s not about a specific number; it’s about balance. This balance will depend on your child’s age and situation. He compared screen time to driving. You have to prove you can be trusted to drive well. Can your child balance screen time with friends\, homework\, and family? That’s healthy. If the screen is his or her only friend\, that’s an issue.\nJerry said that\, for younger kids\, it’s reasonable to know their passwords and monitor their activity. And if you praise them for what they’re doing well\, they’re less likely to shut down communications with you.\nBill reminded the audience to lead by example. Do you yell at your kids to put down their phones while you’re answering a work email? If we can’t stand in a line at Starbucks without pulling out our phones\, we’re modelling bad behavior. Also\, when you demand that your child put down his or her phone\, then what? Offer concrete alternatives.\n\n\nDrug use\nThere were questions about teen drug use as well as how to discuss drug use by adults. \nDrugs and your child: \n\nJosh said that\, for those with younger children\, it’s important to start the conversation early – “What are you hearing about this?” This will make later conversations easier. Rely on words that have meaning in familiar contexts: “We want you to be responsible crossing the street and we want you to be responsible about drugs and alcohol” – but keep it conversational. Paul said that when his kids hear his “teacher voice\,” he loses them.\nResearch shows that it’s important to set high expectations: the later a child’s initial usage\, the lower the chances of later drug abuse.\nIf your kid comes home and you think he or she is drunk or high\, that’s NOT the time to have a conversation\, that’s the time to make sure your child is safe\, or else you’ll trigger a fight-or-flight response. Say\, “We’ll talk about it in the morning\, or tomorrow evening\,” but then be sure you find a time to talk. Let them know you’re frustrated\, and don’t be afraid to take something away or otherwise reasonably punish them; this is easier if you’ve set expectations in advance.\n\nDrugs and you: \n\nRegarding your own usage\, think in advance about how you want to answer their questions. What you say is your decision\, but if you want them to think about consequences\, it’s important to stress the negative aspects – if not of your own experience\, then that of a friend’s.\nIf your family has a history of addiction\, Paul doesn’t recommend hiding it: “The unmentionable becomes the unmanageable.” Josh agreed\, saying that there’s no topic we can’t talk to your kids about\, but there are developmentally appropriate ways to do it. Don’t talk to 4th graders about heroin\, but you can talk about prescription drugs or their uncle who smokes or the caffeine in sports drinks.\n\n\nStaying connected as children grow\nMaintain communication even when your child pushes you away:  \n\nAs adolescents get older\, they may cut off communication – “Stop\, Dad. I don’t want to talk about it.” Paul stressed that this is totally normal. It’s all about being present until they come back to you. It’s unpredictable\, but when it does happen\, be present\, which means putting other things aside. He quoted Mike Riera: as your child gets older\, the bad news is\, you get fired as her manager; the good news is\, you get rehired as her consultant.\nJosh explained the reason your teen may be pushing you away: adolescence is the bridge between dependence and independence and they may see you as a roadblock to that change. But when they push you away the most is when they may need you the most. Teens need love\, approval\, and compassion\, even when they say they don’t. As Bill said\, don’t give up when you get the initial eye-roll of resistance.\nAs your adolescent grows\, your job is not to always reassure them\, Jerry pointed out\, even if they want you to. Like scratching a mosquito bite\, constant reassurance feels good in the short term but causes long-term harm. Your “protector mode” can stop your kids from figuring things out on their own.\n\nStay engaged: \n\nAdapting means doing things together that your kids want to do\, instead of just including them in things that you want to do. Jerry also stressed the importance of spending time with each of your kids individually. He has identical twin daughters\, and they are often called “the girls;” he focuses on treating them as individuals.\nIf they don’t want you in their room or to open their door\, that may be okay\, Josh suggested. Try texting them (and don’t feel hurt if they don’t respond). Find a way to meet them on their own terms. There will be times to invade your child’s privacy when you need to\, but if you don’t need to\, perhaps don’t.\nContinue to keep the relationship strong even after your children become adults\, Paul said. Girls older than 18 in particular can face tremendous pressures and may find themselves in tough situations. Connecting to older children may mean fighting to overcome your own fear of discussing uncomfortable topics.\n\nAnd finally: Listen: \n\nWhen we listen to our kids\, Jerry said\, they start to open up – maybe not right away\, but eventually. When they do come talk to you\, the first thing they hear shouldn’t be your ideas. If you jump right to trying to fix the problem\, they’ll feel that you’re shutting them down. He said that if the audience only took away one thing from Fathers Forum this year\, he would choose that. And he shared a great video to underscore that point.\n\nPIA’s own Chris Theodoros wrapped up the session by thanking the panel and the fathers who attended. As Chris said\, events like Fathers Forum are a great way to learn from those around you. He also stressed the availability of great resources such as Common Sense Media\, The Child Mind Institute\, and Understood.org\, as well as the wonderful independent schools our children attend.
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fathers-forum-2017/
LOCATION:Trevor Day High School\, 312 East 95th Street\, New York\, NY\, 10128\, United States
CATEGORIES:Parenting Scene
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20170216T083000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20170216T200000
DTSTAMP:20180917T221255Z
CREATED:20180917T221255Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T221255Z
UID:1559-1487233800-1487275200@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Facilitator Refresher 3 - FAPC
DESCRIPTION:8:30 am – 12:00 pm\n5:30 pm – 8:00 pm \nInitiating Team: Facilitation\nCoordinator: Josseline Charas
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/facilitator-refresher-3-fapc/
LOCATION:5th Avenue Presbyterian Church\, 7 West 55th Street\, New York\, NY\, 10019\, United States
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20170208T083000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20170208T120000
DTSTAMP:20180917T221146Z
CREATED:20180917T221146Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T221146Z
UID:1558-1486542600-1486555200@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Winter Facilitator Training Day 3 - FAPC
DESCRIPTION:8:30 am – 12:00 pm \nInitiating Team: Facilitation\nCoordinator: Josseline Charas
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/winter-facilitator-training-day-3-fapc/
LOCATION:5th Avenue Presbyterian Church\, 7 West 55th Street\, New York\, NY\, 10019\, United States
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20170206T180000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20170206T200000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012748Z
CREATED:20180917T220913Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012748Z
UID:1554-1486404000-1486411200@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Teen Scene 2017
DESCRIPTION:Teen Scene XXXI – Teen Panel Informs Parents By Adrienne Barr \nOn a chilly night in February\, three months after a contentious election and in a new year marked by protests on a variety of fronts\, sixteen teenagers from over a dozen New York independent schools gathered on a stage and showed they were more mature and thoughtful than many adults. They were surprisingly optimistic about their relationships with their parents\, friends\, the schools they attend and the world they will inherit. Welcome to Teen Scene 2017\, the 31st annual teen panel sponsored by Parents in Action. \nTeen Scene is where parents get to hear first-hand reporting of what’s going on with their kids.  Moderated by PIA’s veteran teen interrogator and charmer\, Lucy Martin Gianino\, these student “guides” ranged in age from 15 to 18\, from partiers to abstainers\, from competitive ski racers to soccer stars\, from actors to artists\, with over a dozen activities among them that would light up anyone’s resume or college essay.  The group included a part time coat check girl\, an oboe player\, a class president\, and two kids with early admittance to Harvard. \nGranted\, these are not your average couch potato kids; they are a self-selecting group of students who are probably not coming home in police cars or with grades much lower than a B. But they are also an enlightened and articulate group who are figuring out themselves and their futures\, and were generous enough to share their journeys with a roomful of 400 plus nervous parents who sat in the Trinity School chapel\, wondering whether they would leave terrified or delighted. For the most part\, these girls and boys filled the crowd with hope and awe at their wisdom and honesty\, but like any event starring irreverent teenagers\, there were also a few moments that set off alarms. \nThe evening got off to a rollicking start when Lucy asked her first question: how had this politically intense past year affected them?  Nearly all who answered were frank about their schools’ liberal bent\, and noted the election results had been emotional for many.  Several mentioned school mates who had reacted swiftly and enthusiastically to join protests\, take buses to Washington\, create school wide walkouts and question what they saw happening.  They were also careful to point out that not all their friends or teachers shared the same beliefs\, and that sometimes that dissonance was tough.  For some of the seniors\, this was their first opportunity to vote\, and for others\, the recent election made them keenly aware of the privilege to exercise this freedom.  A ninth-grade boy said the “election was a wake-up call to pay attention\, it’s not just about the interest\, but about the impact this election can have on us and that we can have on the next one.” \nAcademic pressure was clearly a concern for the panel. While independent school parents know their kids are receiving a terrific education\, many worry about the emotional price of achieving top grades\, and shining in demanding extracurricular activities\, all for the sake of getting into the “right” colleges.  The students acknowledged they feel constant pressure not just to make excellent marks\, but also\, as one young man put it\, not to “waste the opportunities that have been given to me.”   A freshman girl\, already feeling pressure to know what college she should attend and what she wants to do when she grows up\, lamented somewhat anxiously\,” I’m only 15.” \nA junior boy quipped sagely\, “Competing with everyone in your class\, along with the pressure your parents put on you\, sets up some interesting conflicts.”  Another noted his parents had signed him up for standardized test prep classes for 10 hours every weekend\, which\, he said in a deadpan voice\, is definitely “not great.” “God\,” he pleaded out loud\, “A little conversation would have gone a long way on that one!”  Another young man admitted that his immigrant parents sometimes put undue pressure on him to do well\, but in reality\, he acknowledged\, kids “put unnecessary pressure on ourselves\, and that’s definitely unhealthy.” \nFor the seniors who had either gotten into college early\, or were just waiting for their announcements\, the application process seemed to have a silver lining.  One senior girl said: “The first few months of the fall was like a huge wave of anxiety… but in the end\, in my class\, we all came together and learned to rely on one another … and now there’s this sweet feeling of nostalgia for all of us.”   Another senior\, a boy\, gave parents some remarkably sane advice:  “My parents want the best\, but where you go doesn’t mean who you will be.” \nIf anything emerged as a theme of the evening\, it was a plea for parents to listen to their kids\, and most importantly\, to trust them.  Whether it was discussing homework\, curfews\, partying or friends\, all of the speakers stressed the importance of listening and trust. \n“A little trust goes a long way; if I breach that\, then we have a talk\, but let your kids prove themselves to you\,” said one 11th grade girl.   Another girl\, a senior\, said she and her parents had very open communications.  They talked about all kinds of things\, all the time\, and she found that very helpful.  “I don’t lie and they don’t worry.” \nWhen Ms. Gianino asked\, “What can parents do to help their kids?”  some responses echoed the “how-to” books most parents have read: “Have dinner together\,” a self-assured young man said instantly\, and nearly all the heads on the panel bobbed simultaneously.  “I have dinner with my parents five times a week\, and that makes me feel less stress. I put my phone away\, and my mom asks\, ‘How was today different than yesterday?’ It definitely lets me get things off my chest before I have to start my night!’” \nA 15-year-old girl told the crowd\, “Even though we’re not always supposed to at school\, texting throughout the day with my mom really helps.”   And a senior boy\, sounding like a seasoned parenting expert\, added: “If you don’t know how to talk to your kids\, start a TV show with them\, or read a book together\,” something he proudly admitted he still does with his own family.  One girl described how her parents had begun “a family group chat” and that they had “finally learned how to use emojis.”   She elicited a huge laugh from the audience and also some hope\, when she described how seeing a smiley face from one of them would make her smile in the middle of a busy day. \nWhile these kids offered advice for parents\, many had praise too. One boy praised his parents for telling him they would always help him out if he got into trouble\, “No questions asked. There would probably be consequences down the road\, but at the moment I needed them\, I know they would be helpful.” \nThe night was not all wholesome sweetness and light; the kids did admit that partying\, drugs\, and sex are still a part of many high school students’ lives\, and as expected\, the older kids seemed to know more than the younger ones.  A ninth-grade boy said he really hadn’t seen too many kids getting out of control at all\, and another stated flatly he was an athlete and strictly avoided drugs and alcohol. Still another told of losing a friend group\, after turning down a joint once too often. However\, most of the panel acknowledged that kids are holding and attending unchaperoned parties\, called “frees\,” at many homes\, and that fake IDs are rampant.  At Lucy’s prodding\, several kids admitted they could have drugs\, (mostly marijuana) and liquor delivered – without questions – to private homes\, in large quantities. Some dealers even take credit cards. \nSome panelists took a pragmatic view\, noting that most of the people they know party in moderation\, and that “most kids try hard not to be idiots.”  Those getting “really out of control” are an isolated sub-group\, they said. There were reports of Adderall and prescription drug abuse and pre-game drinking before parties\, but most kids believed that opiates were used only by a very small fringe. One boy was proud to admit that\, when he had been the guy who wasn’t drinking\, he took some “out of control” friends home.  “I felt like I was doing the right thing\, but I had to take quite a shower afterwards\,” he told the audience\, who laughed a little uncomfortably. \nThere was more parental discomfort when some panelists naively explained how they “knew” their drugs were safe. One boy maintained that kids didn’t usually use random dealers\, but dealt with the same people repeatedly so they could responsibly source their marijuana.  “If you know a safe dealer\,” another girl said\, “then you think the stuff is fairly safe.”  It’s probably fair to say that no one in the audience was relieved to hear this. \nWhen sex is the topic\, the kids said they preferred to talk to their siblings\, friends or school health instructors\, and noted hearing plenty of discussions about consent in their classes.  On the whole\, the kids were not very forthcoming on this subject. They did explain that “hooking up” meant a range of things\, depending on the ages of those involved.  It may mean ‘making out’ for younger teens\, and perhaps something more for 12th graders\, although that “something” was kept vague. The panelists stressed that boys and girls tend to develop deep friendships these days\, and many of them are reluctant to “mess it up” by getting involved romantically.  And while these students do seem to have mature and healthy expectations in this area\, one could not help but wonder whether they even have time for dating or relationships\, and whether this might impede healthy development. \nWhen asked how they were handling the growing awareness of gender fluidity\, the panel agreed almost unanimously that\, as New Yorkers\, they were “open minded\,” and that being transgender was basically a “non-issue.” One boy quipped that it was “awesome that people are so open.”  Most also felt that it is much easier for kids to come out today\, whether as transgender or gay\, and that adults need to stop worrying about pronoun changes\, or gender-neutral bath rooms. One junior girl did\, however\, make a humorous plea for keeping some traditional “girls” bathrooms with stalls\, because they were so important “for social interactions” with friends. \nAs the evening drew to a close\, Lucy asked for a few final thoughts from the students\, who returned to the issue of trust and close communication.  One young man wisely told parents\, “If you are assuming the worst\, you might not be doing the best.” A girl reminded everyone “to be aware of your home life\, be at home\, and have dinner together.  Kids who are hooking up and doing drugs are the ones with the worst home life.” Perhaps most importantly\, said several kids\, “Like your children\, and don’t make them do things just because of college. Like what they like.”  An 11th grade boy told parents that it was vital to help their kids “make their dreams come true\, but you’re setting them up to fail if you don’t help them do the work that will make that happen.” \nMost touching were the kids who viewed their parents not only in the traditional sense\, as guides and role models\, but also as friends.  A senior boy said with obvious pride\, “My mother is my best friend.  We are exactly the same person…and because we’ve been best friends my whole life\, it’s helped me go a long way.” When Ms. Gianino questioned whether this ran contrary to traditional parenting advice\, an 18-year-old girl summed it up best: \n“You have to be both\, not just one or another.  Sometimes we do need the stability that a parent provides but other times\, [we] just need someone to talk to\, someone to share our lives with and if you can’t be both of those people\, it’s a real disservice to your child.” \nOut of the mouths of babes.  It’s not always so easy to hear every part of what they have to say\, but so very important that we remember how much our kids need and want us in their lives\, in good times and bad.  Do yourselves\, and them\, a favor: listen!
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/teen-scene-2017/
LOCATION:Trinity School\, 139 West 91st Street\, New York\, NY\, 10024\, United States
CATEGORIES:Teen Scene
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20170127T083000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20170127T120000
DTSTAMP:20180917T220511Z
CREATED:20180917T220511Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T220511Z
UID:1551-1485505800-1485518400@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Winter Facilitator Training Day 1 - FAPC
DESCRIPTION:8:30 am – 12:00 pm \nInitiating Team: Facilitation\nCoordinator: Josseline Charas
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/winter-facilitator-training-day-1-fapc/
LOCATION:5th Avenue Presbyterian Church\, 7 West 55th Street\, New York\, NY\, 10019\, United States
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20170124T120000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20170124T140000
DTSTAMP:20180917T220347Z
CREATED:20180917T220347Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T220347Z
UID:1549-1485259200-1485266400@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:School Relations Luncheon 2016
DESCRIPTION:Your Child: Risk and Protective Factors\, and How Parents Can Help By Melanie Wells \nThe question that haunts every parent – how can I help my children avoid risky behavior? – is not a simple one to answer. According to Rachel Henes\, Director of Hallways\, a prevention and social-emotional wellness program through the Freedom Institute\, the key is to start early\, even before Kindergarten. \nHenes\, addressing an attentive luncheon crowd of PIA School Reps and guests on January 24th\, identified some of the potent forces that put our kids at risk: \n\nMedia/cultural (exposure to porn\, and other sexualized images\, perpetuate unhealthy norms);\nSocial & Academic pressure (the immense pressure to succeed\, a constant in affluent culture\, has been shown to enhance risk);\nGender norms (pressure to conform to these norms can lead to stress/anxiety and a host of harmful attitudes and behaviors\, including harassment and assault).\n\nThese forces are complex and not easily overcome. Although Henes acknowledged there is no “magic bullet\,” she said parents should begin counter-strategies early. Communication\, empathy\, prosocial values\, emotional support – these take time to build. As protective factors\, begun at an early age and practiced regularly over years\, they can serve your child well from pre-teen years\, through the high-risk adolescent period\, and into adulthood. \nHenes offered a bit of background on Freedom Institute’s Hallways Program and how its presence in the NYC independent schools has provided insight into the risks that may lead to unhealthy behaviors. Hallways\, serving the school network through classroom workshops\, faculty training\, parent presentations\, assessments and counseling\, has been in a good position to observe and assess the student population. The program’s focus has moved from primarily substance abuse to a more holistic comprehensive approach that encompasses a broad social-emotional wellness range\, with an emphasis on prevention. Through its involvement with the schools\, the Hallways program has had a window on the factors that put children at risk. \nAlthough vulnerability to the risks may begin before the teen years\, “adolescence is a critical period\,” said Henes. Offering a look at “what we know” about high-risk behavior and its origins\, she outlined factors that have an impact on the adolescent period:\n1) Neuro-pathways in the brain are in formation during adolescence\, and BRAINS ARE VULNERABLE. (The more delay in initial use of alcohol or drugs\, the better.) \n2) Nine out of ten addicts began using before age 18. \n3) Teens are exposed to porn\, sexualized images\, and unhealthy norms; Henes noted that 20% of Middle School students have received a “sext.” \n4) Gender norms are a risk factor\, with pressure on girls to achieve “effortless perfection” on all fronts\, and a corresponding pressure on boys to restrict/suppress emotion. \n5) Affluent culture\, with its focus on “external success markers” is a strong risk factor\, with affluent suburban settings exhibiting higher rates of substance use\, depression and anxiety than the average. Psychologytoday.com/articles/201311/the-problem-rich-kids \nHenes acknowledged it is not known “precisely how the [suburban affluent culture risk] translates” to the NYC independent school community\, but “we assume risks are as high or higher.” With the pressure to succeed intense and unrelenting\, and the accompanying anxiety and stress such pressure engenders\, young teens turn to substance use in a misguided effort to cope. Henes noted that traditional prevention efforts using “scare tactics” will often backfire; while the scary stories and stats may “impress adults\,” they are more likely to “arouse curiosity\, even excitement” among teens. Effective prevention\, she said\, focuses on understanding risk and protective factors\, with intent to equip kids with critical skills such as empathy\, decision making\, and stress management. \nWhat can parents do at home to support their children in avoiding risk\, and to help build key skills? One of the most important foundations is effective communication. Talking about “difficult” subjects with children and teens\, such as perfectionism\, anxiety\, stress\, fear of failure and low self-image\, can help to build their social-emotional skills\, such as coping and resisting peer pressure\, as well as send messages about important values and expectations. Henes recommended a “daily practice” that is based on effective communication. Try daily to: \n\nEXPRESS care. Check on what’s “important to your child right now” – ask who their friends are\, and what they value.\nDEMONSRATE care. Put your phone away to talk.\nASK questions – about a variety of things! (The “doing” of “asking the questions” is more important than just the reply.)\nFOCUS on effort as well as outcome. Focus on who your children are\, not just what they do. (Counter the tendency to constantly track and measure “achievement”.)\nFIND quiet moments to be together and communicate. TALK!\nTEACH that mistakes are normal – they are “how you learn.”\nSUPPORT your children in making their own decisions.\nMODEL your own healthy coping. Let your kids see you take stock of your own errors. And let them see you be “kind to yourself” when you deal with your mistakes.\n\nOne area critical to emotional wellness\, Henes noted\, is the development and practice of empathy\, or the “valuing of others and their lived experiences.” Empathy\, compassion\, kindness and self-worth are tightly interwoven and crucial to psychological-emotional health. Henes noted that in many schools\, emphasis on social justice and the value of diversity are strong\, but the children do not learn how to enact these values. For that\, kids need to develop an ability to really listen to\, and empathize with\, others. Insensitive behavior and low empathy usually go hand in hand. Issues of consent\, for instance\, arise in a culture of low empathy. Healthy sexuality develops in an atmosphere rich in empathy. \nTo encourage healthy development of empathy\, what can parents do? \n\nIf you see an act of empathy (from your child\, on TV)\, call it out\, with praise.\nGive your children the vocabulary to label/express emotions in healthy ways.\nExplicitly communicate your values regarding treatment of others.\nSet clear boundaries and expectations. Kids know they’re expected to bring home good grades. Tell them clearly you also have high expectations in how they treat each other; how they counter a micro-aggression. Talk specifically about your expectations regarding consent and respect in relationships.\nExplain the “why” behind values. Include kids in setting rules of empathic behavior.\nFollow up with consequences if they break these rules.\nChallenge harmful gender norms. Talk early and often about healthy gender\, by “taking apart” gender stereotypes. “Unpack” notions that set gender-based limits on your child.\nAddress mixed messages your child may be receiving. Remember your child is growing up not only in your home\, but in the surrounding culture.\nRecognize and check your own biases and discomfort. Model the ability to speak up if you hear\, see\, or know about offensive behaviors\, jokes\, and comments.\nHelp your child think through healthy decisions. Be there to support your child and brainstorm options\, but resist the urge to “fix” their problems.\n\nLast but not least: ask for help and support – for yourself. Connect with other parents. Do what you ask of your kids: talk\, discuss the hard stuff. Use your parental network to feel connected and supported in the difficult\, but rewarding\, task of rearing children who have a healthy capacity for empathy\, compassion\, self-care and sound decision making. \nThese skills\, though time-consuming to build\, will more effectively equip your children to avoid risky behavior than any set of scare tactics\, and will serve them well into a mature and healthy adulthood. The effort is worth the reward. Embrace the difficult. Go boldly! \n  \nRachel Henes is the Director of Hallways\, Freedom Institute’s evidence-based prevention and social-emotional wellness program that serves over 40 Independent Schools in the New York City area. To learn more about Hallways’ programs\, please visit www.hallways.org
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/school-relations-luncheon-2016/
LOCATION:Madison Avenue Presbyterian Church\, 921 Madison Avenue at 73rd Street\, New York\, NY\, 10021\, United States
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20161110T120000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20161110T140000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012847Z
CREATED:20180917T220129Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012847Z
UID:1547-1478779200-1478786400@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Fall 2016 PIA Benefit Luncheon
DESCRIPTION:The Risky Business of Risky Drinking By Pamela Awad \nTowards the middle of November\, days after the surprising results of the presidential election\, Perri Peltz and Dr. Carrie Wilkens talked about their new documentary Risky Drinking\, to be aired this January on HBO. The film’s about alcohol use disorder and “was born of people asking\, ‘I drink at night and I only drink red wine and I never drink on Sundays…am I OK?’’ Ms. Peltz said. “We started hearing that question so much\, that’s what gave birth to this film.” The two\, who spoke at the annual fall benefit lunch on behalf of Parents in Action\, explained that alcohol use disorder is best described on a spectrum. In answer to the question\, “Do I have a problem?” the film profiles four people along the alcohol use disorder spectrum. \nRisky Drinking is co-produced by HBO\, the National Institute of Health (NIH) and the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAA). Peltz is the mother of three boys and a well- known media presence in New York. She’s reported for NBC\, ABC\, CNN\, has been an anchor on a number of networks and is a public health advocate. Carrie Wilkens\, Ph.D.\, is one of the featured experts in the film. She’s the Co-Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Motivation and Change in NYC and in the Berkshires\, and is the co- author of two books about addiction\, Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change and The 20 Minute Guide: A Guide for Parents about How to Help their Child Change their Substance Use. \nTwo five- minute clips from the film were played\, the first profiling a 26 year-old woman from Denver\, Colorado\, who binge drinks. The segment follows her\, hour-by-hour\, one night over Halloween weekend. Ms. Peltz introduced the segment by saying this young woman did not consider herself to have a drinking problem; the subject went on to describe why she drinks before going out. “Drinking definitely eases the dating world\, the whole point of drinking is to turn off your brain for once and not think of anything. I didn’t drink at all this week knowing I was going to drink a ton this weekend.” The film follows her through the night as she consumes somewhere near sixteen drinks (the amount of alcohol in each shot or drink is hard to determine)\, including vodka\, vodka jello shots\, tequila\, whisky and beer. Around 1:30 in the morning we see her sobbing while apologizing to a friend who brings her home. \nThe second clip follows a group of stay-at-home moms from Fayetteville\, Arkansas who found each other through the blog\, “momwhodrinksandcusses.” “We started doing Happy Hour every Thursday\,” one said. “It’s like a therapy session. We get together and we drink wine.” For them drinking is bonding\, and the pleasure the friends take in drinking and drinking with each other is evident. Some of the exchanges between the mothers in the film were greeted with recognizable laughter from the audience\, most of who were also mothers. But the seductiveness of alcohol to ease the tedium\, frustration and challenges of raising children\, sometimes alone\, is cause for concern. Ms. Peltz said the segment was originally intended to represent alcohol use disorder at the beginning of the spectrum but when one friend asks\, “What do you do when one of your friends seems like they’re in trouble? How do you know when things have gone too far?” it’s clear the solace found in drinking can tip towards alcohol abuse. The troubled mother says\, “I know without alcohol who I want to be\, I want to be Oprah…I want to be amazing\, I want to be a rock star. When I drink I’m not that awesome and I don’t remember. You think I’d stop.” Towards the end of the segment she says\, “ Drinking impacts my relationship with my kids. I want to be able to moderate. I want to be able to function. I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job at functioning right now\, (but) I don’t think I want to be completely sober.” As described by Ms. Peltz\, the remaining segments of the film feature stories about a 59-year-old man “well on his way to becoming a full blown alcoholic\,” and an end stage alcoholic who has been in and out of detox thirteen times over the course of two years. \nAfter the film clips the women talked about alcohol use and binge drinking\, which has been normalized to some extent\, but greatly affects decision-making and risk-taking behaviors. Ms. Peltz pointed out that men and women process alcohol in very different ways. “We can get drunker faster\,” she said. “Women have more fat in their bodies while men have more water\,” explained Dr. Wilkens. Because women also lack the stomach enzyme that helps the body process alcohol it becomes more concentrated in women’s bodies. Estrogen seems to play a role too; taken all together long term alcohol use poses greater risks to women’s health in general – their organs break down faster\, leading to breast cancer and other diseases. \nIn response to a question from the audience Dr. Wilkens defined drinking level limits. For women\, low risk drinking is “no more than three drinks on any one occasion during a week for a total of seven drinks. For men\, low-risk drinking means up to fourteen drinks a week and no more than four drinks on any one occasion. Binge drinking consists of four drinks in one setting for women and five drinks in one setting for men “or a .08 blood alcohol concentration that is typically reached after four or five drinks within a two-hour period\,” said Dr. Wilkens. She continued\, “Intoxication is determined by the rate you consume and how big you are. Little girls can react differently to the same number of shots than the 6’2” guy next to her. She’s probably going to get drunker.” \nWill college kids develop drinking problems? “Their drinking is so out of control\, so off the spectrum we don’t know if they’ll develop a drinking problem\,” said Ms. Peltz. Dr. Wilkens added\, “People will say if he’s drinking like that in college isn’t he destined to become an alcoholic? In reality most (college kids) grow out of it\, they just stop\, life gets more complicated and they go back to normal drinking.” \n“Part of what you’re trying to do as a parent is protect your kid’s developing brain\,” said Dr. Wilkens. “The brain’s a fragile thing and anything you can do as a parent to keep drugs and alcohol out of that brain\, so it can develop\, is a good thing.” As a young person\, “You’re also learning so many things\, you’re learning how to interact with people\, you’re learning your physical and emotional boundaries you’re learning how to take care of yourself\, what you can accomplish\,’ she said. The take away: when you’re young\, learning can be disrupted by choosing substances; when you’re older\, by choosing substances you can disrupt your life.
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fall-2016-pia-benefit-luncheon/
CATEGORIES:Benefits
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20161109T083000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20161109T120000
DTSTAMP:20180917T215846Z
CREATED:20180917T215846Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T215846Z
UID:1546-1478680200-1478692800@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Facilitator Refresher 2- FAPC
DESCRIPTION:8:30 am – 12:00 pm \nInitiating Team: Facilitation\nCoordinator: Josseline Charas
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/facilitator-refresher-2-fapc/
LOCATION:5th Avenue Presbyterian Church\, 7 West 55th Street\, New York\, NY\, 10019\, United States
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20161026T190000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20161026T203000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012925Z
CREATED:20180917T215533Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012925Z
UID:1544-1477508400-1477513800@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Fall Seminar 2016
DESCRIPTION:Sexual Consent and Your Teen By Lori Gaon \nIf you’re shying away from having “the talk” with your teen\, perhaps you should reconsider. Today\, social media is pervasive\, and kids as young as seven may be exposed to pornography. With this sobering warning in mind\, NYC-Parents in Action’s Fall Seminar on October 26th addressed the timely topic of Teens\, Sex and Consent. The five-member panel\, moderated by Lucy Martin Gianino\, answered questions\, offered insight and gave guidance to parents navigating this complex and emotionally charged subject.\nJustine Fonte\, M.Ed\, MPH and Director of Health & Wellness at The Dalton School\, began the evening by explaining that as parents\, the framework within which we were taught about consent has since changed. “The ‘No means no\,’ that we grew up with is no longer effective\,” she said. While we were taught to say “NO!” loud and clear\, to not dress or dance a certain way and to not get drunk\, today’s teens live in a world of nuance and mixed messages that have had significant impact on the issue of consent. The clear message from the panel was that young people need to understand that only enthusiastic consent means yes. Teens need to hear the word “Yes” from each other when engaging in sexual interaction\, Fonte explained\, and only a clear “yes means yes’’ can eliminate blurred lines and mixed messages. With the old “no means no\,” it’s “easy to see how things get confusing\, especially if there’s alcohol involved with the yes; or if one partner is silent; or says only ‘Um. . . okay.’” Kids need to understand that in most cases “all of those are ‘no.’”\nIlann Mazel\, an attorney nationally recognized for championing children and people with disabilities and filing discrimination suits on their behalf\, often deals with cases involving sexual assault. “Media messaging can be the root of the problem when dealing with teenage sexual consent cases\,” he said. While cases don’t often involve violence at this age\, many young people who have been accused of sexual misconduct don’t understand what they’ve done wrong. “Issues of consent are complicated and can be confusing at any age\, but are especially so for a teenager\,” he warned\, agreeing with Fonte’s insistence on teens giving and receiving a firm “yes!” when consenting to sex.\nWhen does this all begin? In answer to the moderator’s question\, “When do these things start to happen for a teen?” Fonte answered that by age 10 or 11 kids start to explore their sexuality. Their natural attraction to others\, due to hormones and their biology\, is given far greater reach with access to a smart phone\, which boosts the likelihood they will be exposed to sex by way of pornography at a very young age. Asked if the majority of our children are exposed to pornography\, Emi Nakazato\, a sexual-assault awareness and prevention educator\, said that unfortunately\, for many young people\, in the absence of any other conversation about sex\, porn may be their first avenue of sex education. “Pornography is powerful and the conflation of sex and violence can seem normalized\, given the ease of access\,” she said. “Many young men today watch so much porn that they often get desensitized.”\nRachel Henes continued the conversation. “Kids start absorbing messages about gender and sex from the day they are born\,” she said. Henes\, the director of Hallways\, Freedom Institute’s evidence-based prevention and social-emotional wellness program serving the Independent School community in New York City\, noted that all their lives\, kids receive messages about sex and while sexual behaviors may not manifest until middle or high school\, by the time they do\, a kid’s perspective on sex is often one of sexual conquest or dominance. “These messages are in the world around us\, in the air we breathe\,” she said.\n“We as parents need to be really clear about our expectations for our kids. Kids are confused because we’re confused\,” said Henes. “Take homework for instance. We are clear in what we expect\, but as adults we’re often not clear about consent and being respectful of the other person. . . making sure the other person is actively into the sexual activity. We need to look at sex as interacting with another human and care how they are doing.”\nEmpathy\, Nakazato said\, plays a key role in the sexual consent conversation. “Empathy can be taught\,” she noted and is important because “when used it makes it difficult to dehumanize another person.” The lack of empathy\, added Henes\, “is rooted in the ideas about sexual conquest and dominance that our culture sends – so we need to address those with our kids in order to promote empathy\, and that is something that parents can do.”\nNakazato delivered some humor to the somber audience\, sharing a food analogy she has used as a way to initiate a sex positive conversation with her own teens. “Not every time you have sex is it going to be a five-star experience. Sometime it may just be like a snack\, because you’re hungry. Food experiences can have a huge range\, anywhere from a memorable Jean George experience to a simple granola bar. In extreme cases food can . . .make you sick or kill you from food poisoning. It could take a long time to experience a Jean George meal.” The same can be said of sex. You may have to eat “a lot of granola bars before you ever get to experience Jean George\,” she said\, her point being that sex can be experienced on a wide continuum\, from exquisite to horrifying. Hence\, the importance of teaching kids to communicate\, listening to each other and making certain that they heard their sexual partner say “yes.”\nHenes agreed that it’s never too early to offer positive messaging about consent. Speaking of her own “teachable moments” with her soon-to-be three-year-old son\, she described using interactions with their cat as a tool to teach consent. “He has to notice what the cat wants\,” she said. If her child wants to give the cat a hug and the cat reacts by pulling away\, Henes has taught her son to respect that the cat doesn’t want a hug right now. If the cat stays put\, her son can hug the cat.\nNorms and social stereotypes that contribute to unhealthy ideas about masculinity affect both boys and girls. “The messaging is very limiting to boys\,” said Fonte. “They often feel like they’re expected to have sex by a certain age\, and when terms like\, ‘you throw like a girl’ or ‘don’t be such a pussy’ are tossed around\,” it makes them feel like they are supposed to be part of that culture. “Stereotypes don’t stop there\,” said Henes. Teen boys tend to repeat back phrases they think describe what being a boy means (“Be aggressive;” “Never cry;” “Be awesome at sports;” “Have sex;” “Never show emotion”) or suffer being teased or mocked.\n“The more that boys are tied into these ideas of traditional masculinity\, the higher the likelihood they may perpetrate some of these [negative] behaviors or be silent about others who do\,” added Henes. But rather than focusing on these messages\, we often focus on girls’ behaviors by sending messages like “don’t drink\, don’t wear certain clothing\, don’t act certain ways.” These messages don’t promote consent – they promote victim blaming. We need to notice this\, and instead\, spend our time challenging unhealthy ideas that connect sex and dominance/conquest\, and linking sex with kindness\, compassion\, and respect.\nParents of girls\, Henes continued\, need to have ongoing conversations with their daughters\, to mitigate pressures that girls often feel. She suggested parents start by asking\, “What do you think this ad is saying?” and provide supportive commentary\, like “‘I think this sends a message that a girl’s worth is in her body and how she looks and I want to make sure that you know that I don’t feel that way. You’re so much more than that.’ Conversations like this chip away at the onslaught of media messaging.”\nSo as parenting experts have said time and time again\, talking to our children early is a vital part of the job. Keeping lines of communication open is fundamental\, especially when it comes to sex and consent. It’s never too early to initiate the talk.
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fall-seminar-2016/
CATEGORIES:Webinars
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20160928T083000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20160928T200000
DTSTAMP:20180917T215244Z
CREATED:20180917T215244Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T215244Z
UID:1543-1475051400-1475092800@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Facilitator Refresher 1 - FAPC
DESCRIPTION:8:30 am – 12:00 pm\n5:30 pm – 8:00 pm \nInitiating Team: Facilitation\nCoordinator: Josseline Charas
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/facilitator-refresher-1-fapc/
LOCATION:5th Avenue Presbyterian Church\, 7 West 55th Street\, New York\, NY\, 10019\, United States
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20160923T083000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20160923T120000
DTSTAMP:20180917T215049Z
CREATED:20180917T215049Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T215049Z
UID:1542-1474619400-1474632000@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Fall Facilitator Training Day 2 - FAPC
DESCRIPTION:12:00 pm – 2:00 pm \nInitiating Team: Facilitation\nCoordinator: Josseline Charas
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fall-facilitator-training-day-2-fapc-2/
LOCATION:5th Avenue Presbyterian Church\, 7 West 55th Street\, New York\, NY\, 10019\, United States
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20160916T083000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20160916T120000
DTSTAMP:20180917T214753Z
CREATED:20180917T214753Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T214753Z
UID:1541-1474014600-1474027200@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Fall Facilitator Training Day 2 - FAPC
DESCRIPTION:Initiating Team: Facilitation\nCoordinator: Josseline Charas
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fall-facilitator-training-day-2-fapc/
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20160914T083000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20160914T120000
DTSTAMP:20180917T214705Z
CREATED:20180917T214705Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T214705Z
UID:1540-1473841800-1473854400@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Fall Facilitator Training Day 1 - FAPC
DESCRIPTION:Initiating Team: Facilitation\nCoordinator: Josseline Charas
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fall-facilitator-training-day-1-fapc/
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20160511T120000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20160511T140000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012847Z
CREATED:20180917T214537Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012847Z
UID:1539-1462968000-1462975200@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Mother's Day Benefit 2016 with Gretchen Rubin
DESCRIPTION:Becoming Better than Before By Pamela Awad \nDo you eat the fabulous artisanal chocolate bar one square at a time over the course of a week or do you eat it all at once? If you eat it all at once\, indulging moderately is unimaginable\, and Gretchen Rubin would label you an “abstainer” – it’s all or none – having something only makes you want it more. At this year’s PIA Mother’s Day lunch held Wednesday\, May 11\, Ms. Rubin talked about the differences between abstainers and moderators\, Upholders\, Questioners\, Rebels and Obligers; all tendencies that have profound implications for making and breaking habits.\n \nOf course it’s much more fun to change someone else’s habits\, but there are a few strategies (21 to be exact) you can use to make or break your own. Start with that Ancient Greek aphorism “know thyself\,” which means if you’re a night owl don’t try getting up two hours earlier to accomplish a challenging task. “Set up a habit in a way that will work for you\,” said Ms. Rubin. Then give yourself treats (the most fun strategy!) unless they’re one of the three forbidden ones: food and/or drink\, shopping or screen time. While one person’s treat is surely another’s idea of torture\, Ms. Rubin described a friend’s treat that’s probably a universal delight. Every morning her friend gets up for work\, gets her family up and out the door and once they’ve left she returns to bed\, fully dressed\, for twenty minutes. A perfect example of Ms. Rubin’s belief that if we “give more to ourselves\, we can ask more of ourselves.” \nRemember when you were young and your mother would tell you to make your bed? That’s the number one habit that “people say make them happier\, healthier and more efficient\,” says Ms. Rubin. “Outer order contributes to inner health and more initiative.” (Seems like our mothers were right about almost everything.) So in the context of creating a happy life\, the crowded coat closet may be trivial but a bit of order gives the illusion of control. She recommends the “one minute rule” – hang up the coat\, throw out the old newspapers\, do anything you can do in one minute – to “help keep clutter at bay.” And to avoid the “danger of the finish line” she says we should think about milestones when setting up habits rather than setting goals. “Setting goals is a great way to meet a goal but can undermine habits. Crossing the finish line means you’re finished\,” she said. “The way to think about habits as a behavior you want to do indefinitely is to think about a milestone. Finish lines can disrupt habits.” \nThere’s a framework to Ms. Rubin’s philosophy built around “Four Tendencies” as explained in her latest book\, Better Than Before. The Tendencies describe our propensity to respond to expectations\, both outer (deadlines\, work expectations) and inner (our internal desire to keep a resolution\, for example). Upholders meet both outer and inner expectations\, Questioners resist outer expectations and meet inner ones\, Obligers meet outer expectations but resist inner ones and Rebels\, those with and without a cause\, resist both. It’s like a Myers-Biggs type personality indicator with Rebels a “small but conspicuous group\,” and Upholders the “freaky fringe.” Overwhelmingly “people are Questioners and Obligers\,” says Ms. Rubin\, Obligers being the ‘type O’ who play best with other Tendencies. \nHere’s a bird’s eye view of each Tendency: \nUpholders: While meeting those outer and inner expectations Upholders can be unsympathetic; “they’re harsh on other people because they don’t understand why they may have trouble following through on expectations.” Ms. Rubin went on the describe Upholders as sometimes experiencing “tightening” – for most people rules loosen up over time\, for Upholders rules can become confining. \nQuestioners: Questioners need justification or a rationale for why it’s important to do something. They’re focused but can “drain people with persistent questions\,” explains Ms. Rubin. Questioners love information but can suffer from “analysis paralysis”; the need for more and more information sometimes renders them immobile. \nObligers: The “rocks of the world\,” Obligers should pattern their behavior for external accountability. They so consistently meet outside expectations that they exhibit a “striking pattern of Obliger rebellion\,” says Ms. Rubin. ‘Everyone exploits Obligers; Rebels\, Upholders and Questioners all take advantage of them.” These are the overachievers of meeting expectations and Obligers may suddenly “snap” as meeting great expectations can cause deep resentment or burn out. \nRebels: “Exhilarating to be around\,” Rebels think outside the box “but don’t ignite their spirit of resistance\,” warns Ms. Rubin. Rebels “want to act from choice and freedom and from a sense of identity and they don’t want to feel controlled.” They want to be given information\, have the consequences explained to then and be provided a choice. Beware the parent who has a Rebel child; the simple act of putting on sunscreen can become a test of wills. \nThe Tendencies all lead to making and breaking habits. “By knowing the pros and cons of tendency you can figure out with age and wisdom how to take advantage of the strengths and box the limitations\,” said Ms. Rubin. “In the context of a happy\, healthy\, productive\, creative life it really is helpful to think about your habits because in the end if you change your habits you can change your life.” So for all of us – Upholders and Rebels\, Obligers and Questioners – a happy life isn’t so hard to find; the keys to the kingdom lie within us. \n  \nGretchen Rubin is the author of The Happiness Project and most recently Better Than Before. She has a weekly podcast entitled Happier with Gretchen Rubin.
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/mothers-day-benefit-2016-with-gretchen-rubin/
CATEGORIES:Benefits
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20160419T083000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20160419T100000
DTSTAMP:20180917T214323Z
CREATED:20180917T214323Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T214323Z
UID:1538-1461054600-1461060000@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:School Relations Breakfast 2016
DESCRIPTION:Creating a Consent Culture by Talking to Our Children By Lori Gaon \nHow can we educate our children to have healthy relationships and not become one of these statistics? The key\, Osherow explained\, is teaching children about consent and communication. Consent concerns more than just sexual activity and therefore\, may appropriately be taught to all children beginning at a young age. \nWhile conceding that consent can be an ambiguous word\, Osherow noted the elements that must be present to consent: \n\nIt involves giving permission or agreeing to engage in an activity (sexual or otherwise)\nIt is voluntary and unambiguous\nIt is revocable at any point\nIt is mandatory with every sexual activity and encounter\nIt is expressed by people able to give consent. “If you’re intoxicated\, asleep or not of legal age\,” Osherow said\, “you’re not able to give consent.”\n\n“You don’t force people to do any activity\,” Osherow said. “People should be able to enter every activity consensually.” Teaching our children about consent takes practice. Just as we teach our children to say please and thank you when they’re young\, we need to teach them about healthy relationships. Talking to our children repeatedly from an early age will help to reduce situations in which sexual assault might occur when they are older.\nOsherow gave examples of conversation starters found in everyday situations that can be helpful when teaching about consent. She showed a cartoon* of two young men agreeing to watch a movie. After half an hour one said he wasn’t enjoying it and wanted to leave. The other got upset and yelled\, ‘No! You said you’d watch the movie so you’re staying until it’s done!’ \nIn another cartoon example\, a man with a deck of cards offered to teach a woman how to play poker\, and she agreed. After learning the rules\, the woman decided she didn’t want to play. The agitated man angrily told the woman that since he had gone to the trouble of teaching her the rules of the game she now owed him and had to play. Osherow said it’s easy to see how this behavior can be a precursor to sexual assault. “I took you to dinner\, now don’t you owe me?” \nLike many of the discussions we have with our children\, sex and consent is not a single conversation\, but should be discussed often and in a comfortable place\, for example\, in the car while driving to soccer practice\, at bedtime\, or when sitting down for dinner as a family. “The greatest impact on delaying the onset of sexual activity\, and reducing drugs and alcohol [use]\,” Osherow said\, “is the number of words spoken at the dinner table!”  \nOsherow also suggested when the children are young\, parents should leave comics or flyers around the house or watch YouTube videos with their children\, creating situations that can act as conversation starters. Osherow recommended a starter sure to engage your child: “If an alien comes from outer space and lands in your house and says you’re allowed to get rid of three people in your life\, who would it be? It really is a great question to get children talking\, especially if there is a bully or someone bothering them.” \nShe emphasized that it’s never too early to start teaching children about consent. Beginning in elementary school\, parents should remind their children to “always ask permission before touching someone.” A good phrase to teach a young child would be\, “Is it okay if I…” \n\n… push you on the swing?\n… tickle you?\n… give you a hug goodbye?\n\n“I treasure those opportunities to teach my children to listen to their bodies\,” Osherow said. “So when Grandma asks my son for a hug and he says no\, I tell him that’s okay. Grandma may be disappointed\, but I want him to know that he’s in control of his own body and how he feels inside.” Osherow said we need to remind our kids that if others don’t like their choices it’s okay; children don’t always have to please others\, it’s more important that they do what they feel is comfortable. \nFor kids in middle school\, it’s important for parents to model and remind their children about respect and communication. “Practice asking\, answering and listening\,” she said. Osherow used her own family as an example of modeling respect. When she cooks dinner\, she expects her family to wait for her to sit down before they begin eating. \nFor students in high school\, Osherow stated the importance of partners checking in frequently to make sure that everyone feels safe and comfortable by: \n\nEnsuring consent at every step\, no matter what\, whether it’s holding hands\, kissing\, touching\, etc.\nUnderstanding that consent is revocable (either person can change their mind at any time and the activity must halt immediately)\nKnowing that permission is needed every time (even if the activity has taken place before)\nRecognizing that a person cannot consent when drunk\nUnderstanding that consent to sex should never be obtained through pressure and sex is never owed to anyone for anything.\n\nTo help your children navigate the difficult landscape of knowing when to say yes as well as no\, it’s important to discuss individual family values and personal guidelines. Osherow introduced her children to the values important to her\, early on. “No doors get closed on playdates. I don’t believe that kids need privacy on playdates.” If you allow the kids at four or five to close the door\, it’s harder at 12 or 15 to say\, ‘no closed doors.’” \n“Teaching rules is easier when you start younger\,” Osherow said\, “and definitely helps you navigate these things when the kids are older.” By applying Osherow’s practices\, hopefully\, in the future\, we can make sexual experiences more respectful and college campuses safer. \n*From www.everydayfeminism.com \nLisa Osherow is a Health and Sexuality Educator whose mission is to empower parents and children to make healthier choices. She is passionate about helping to reduce sexual violence and creating a safe culture for everyone.  Lisa received her Master of Arts from New York University in Health and Sexuality Education.
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/school-relations-breakfast-2016/
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20160301T190000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20160301T203000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012806Z
CREATED:20180917T214126Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012806Z
UID:1537-1456858800-1456864200@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Fathers Only 2016
DESCRIPTION:Ron Lieber Talks About Values\, Finance\, Hard Questions and Choices By John Lloyd \nRon is the “Your Money” columnist for the New York Times and the author of The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded\, Generous\, and Smart About Money. Speaking at PIA’s annual Fathers Only Forum on March 1st at the Dalton School\, he challenged the 150 fathers in attendance to engage their kids about finances as a way of teaching their values. The conversation that followed was lively\, with topics ranging from how to handle allowance to how to talk about inheritance.\n \nAfter an introduction from PIA board member Chris Theodoros\, Ron began by telling his own story. When he was young\, his family’s financial situation took a turn for the worse. His parents did not shield him from the risks and uncertainties they were all facing\, and he was exposed to some financial realities earlier and more starkly than his parents might otherwise have planned. \nThis experience led him later in life to start writing about “the intersection of finance and emotions\,” first at the Wall Street Journal\, and for the last eight years at the New York Times. One thing he has come to realize is that people who are more fortunate are often uncomfortable addressing questions about family finances from their kids. \nIf we asked our own parents about family finances when we were children the answer was probably\, “That’s none of your business\, ” said Ron\, arguing that this is not a very good answer. For one thing\, it shuts down an area of curiosity. Do we want our kids to stop asking us about other difficult topics such as sex\, drugs\, and their emotions? But beyond that\, it is also untrue. It is their business\, as it has a tremendous impact on their lives. \nEngaging your children in an age-appropriate way can be tremendously rewarding. Ron’s favored response to questions from his own kids is: “Why do you ask?” This is not an avoidance technique\, but rather a sincere desire to understand where the question is coming from. Often\, kids may be grappling with why they have different experiences than some of their friends. Or they may be asking something more fundamental: “Are we okay?” \nRon distinguished between needs and wants. All parents aim to provide their children with what they need; but giving them everything they want isn’t healthy. The more opportunities you can give them to make real choices about what is important to them\, the better. \nThe cover of The Opposite of Spoiled shows a picture of three jars\, labeled Spend\, Save\, and Give. Ron noted that each of these can teach an important lesson in itself and in how it relates to the others. \n\nSpend: What you spend your money on reflects what you value the most. Helping your children realize this helps them understand your values as well as their own. Ron used an example from his own life: the rain boots his daughter wanted. He and his wife recognized that basic rain boots were a need\, but fashionable (and expensive) boots were a want. They decided how much was reasonable to spend and explained to their daughter that if she wanted more expensive boots she would have to pay the difference herself.\nSave: Saving teaches children about patience\, an important grown-up skill. Reinforcing the importance of saving when they are young will establish good savings habits they will need when they are independent – which is increasingly important given the proven benefits of beginning to save for retirement while still in your twenties.\nGive: Teach being generous with what is left over. The abstract concept of “giving back” can be hard for children to understand\, so help them put it in context. To illustrate why they supported specific charities\, Ron and his wife talked to their kids about how their own lives had been changed by the generosity and kindness of others – medical advances that extended their parents’ lives\, the scholarships that enabled Ron to complete his education\, refugee organizations that helped when his wife’s family first arrived in the United States. And they then let their children make some choices about charitable donations.\n\nThe audience remained extremely engaged beyond the official ending time\, and Ron generously took questions until our gracious hosts at the Dalton School politely nudged us out the door so they could lock up for the night. Some of the topics raised included: \nAllowance: Going beyond the basic question of how much to give (one rule of thumb might be a dollar a week for each year of their age\, divided equally between the three jars)\, Ron talked about when to introduce it and why it’s important. He believes that it can be a useful tool as early as age five\, when children realize the money the Tooth Fairy leaves doesn’t really buy much. As your children get older\, before you can decide what amount to give\, you have to decide what decisions you want them to be responsible for. Can you get comfortable with giving them more control over their day-to-day decisions and allowing them to make the inevitable mistakes that will teach them to make good decisions? He provided a useful framework for deciding how much to give your kids in general: enough to have some things that they really want but (even if you can afford more) not so much so that they don’t have to make hard choices. \nChores and work: Ron believes that chores should not be tied to allowance. Pitching in to help the family is not optional\, and you don’t want to be in the position where children can decline to do their chores because they don’t need the money. After watching the program Master Chef Junior with their daughter\, she said\, “I can do that\,” so they gave her a few basic lessons and then gave her the responsibility of helping prepare dinner from an early age. \nPeer groups and wealth: Ron talked about the impact of social media\, which he called an “engine for envy.” Kids are pressured to exhibit only the most impressive aspects of their lives – “look at my awesome\,” as he put it. Help your kids understand that flaunting their advantages isn’t necessary and can be embarrassing. This message is of specific interest to the parents of children in Independent Schools\, he said\, as they are often surrounded by less socio-economic diversity than exists in the larger world. Restraint is not driven only by what you can afford. \nDifficult questions: One father described a situation where his child was late for school and asked\, “Why won’t you give me money for a taxi\, when I know you spend more money than that on yourself all the time?” Ron’s advice was to let the child be late for school. We shouldn’t be protecting our children from the consequences of their actions. \nDisclosing salary and wealth: Younger children\, even young high schoolers\, are probably not ready to know the details of your family’s finances. But Ron argues that it can be very valuable for your high school senior or college student to understand how much money your family has\, and what it cost to raise them. That helps them to understand what to expect from their own lives\, especially since most of them will live in less comfortable circumstances as they begin their own careers. They will be mature enough at that point to understand that this is family information that is not to be shared with others – especially if you have spent the years leading up to this engaging them and developing their financial maturity. \nInheritance: Audience members asked Ron how to handle talking about inheritance\, and how expectations of inheritance might skew a child’s perspective and motivations. Ron felt that you should tell your children bluntly not to count on any inheritance. This should be combined with the message that they don’t need to define happiness in financial or lifestyle terms. “You don’t need all of this to achieve the happiness that we hope you will achieve.” \nRon’s fundamental message was that we should all be investing in our relationship with our children\, using all the tools we have at hand to teach them our values. If your child asks you uncomfortable questions about money\, Ron’s advice is to “seize those moments. Your family will be richer for it.”
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fathers-only-2016/
CATEGORIES:Parenting Scene
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20160201T180000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20160201T200000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012748Z
CREATED:20180917T213516Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012748Z
UID:1535-1454349600-1454356800@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Teen Scene 2016
DESCRIPTION:By Melanie Wells \nPIA’s signature event\, Teen Scene XXX\, celebrated its 30th birthday February 1st\, reassuring the audience that their kids really are okay – despite the suggestive Roman numeral in the title. With PIA’s Lucy Martin Gianino moderating the articulate teen panel\, parents\, as always\, heard candid talk from the 9th to 12th graders. The consistent message is\, still\, New York City independent school teens are a thoughtful and savvy bunch\, capable of making good decisions\, negotiating the shoals of adolescence and moving successfully to college and beyond. \n \nAsked to look back and reflect on Teen Scene’s endurance\, Lucy (as moderator since 1986) provided the backstory: \nOur first Teen Scene had an audience of just 30 parents\, mostly women. (By comparison\, the 2016 event sold out at 400\, with many fathers present.) The impetus to hold that first event\, she said\, came from “a distressing story\, that a young woman from one of our schools – a teen who was on track academically\, doing great – was killed by a hit and run driver as she emerged from a bar at 4 a.m.” As the news spread\, a friend said\, “Everyone is talking about this\, but not to us\, the kids. Just because we might be in a bar doesn’t mean we’re loose\, or bad. Instead of all the adults talking to each other ABOUT us\, why don’t they talk TO us?” \nThat struck everyone as “a fair question\,” and it triggered the first Teen Scene\, PIA’s serious answer to a legitimate teen wish that the adults hear directly from them. Since then\, Lucy said\, “We’ve never wavered from our mission to support these teens in their quest to speak out on behalf of their peers.” Teen Scene\, she added\, is “NOT an expose. We don’t look for secrets\,” but rather\, for a way to let teens “express to us what is going on in their world.” That was valid in 1986 and it’s still valid in 2016. \nHave the teen panelists changed much? \nIt’s not so much that teens have changed\, as that concerns have shifted\, said Lucy. Consent and stress are big issues now. And there are other differences; to go back 30 years is to view a time that was somehow more innocent. Panelists’ revelations then felt more “shocking.” There were no social media platforms\, no way for adults to eavesdrop electronically on teen talk\, no easy way to track what kids did or where they went – unless they told you. Today\, everything’s “out there\,” and it’s immediate. That wasn’t so in 1986 so Teen Scene “reveals” came as more of a shock\, sounding “a bit naughtier\,” said Lucy. \nThen\, parents heard their kids were sneaking out at night – a “big naughty” — but no one even talks about that now\, said Lucy. The “shock” bar is set much higher. Teens now may talk about oral sex\, but even that doesn’t reverberate as it did at first; our audiences have been hearing about it for years. What has changed is the focus. Teens now say they want values related conversation. This year\, although they talked about sexuality and admitted to some promiscuity\, what they really wanted to discuss was consent. Today’s teens are struggling to figure out boundaries and identify what constitutes consent. They already have data on birth control and STDs at their fingertips\, but the meaning of consent\, for them and for healthy relationships\, is not so obvious. Understanding intangibles and figuring out what to do – or not do – won’t happen just Googling data. Greater ethical clarity requires time\, attention and a genuine parental effort to engage in conversation. \nPanelists noted that while they want conversation with parents on this and other sensitive topics\, they don’t want it in “a lecturing way.” Don’t wait until 11th grade to start talking\, either\, they said. Talk about the hard stuff in advance – alcohol\, drugs\, consent. Lucy felt that\, unlike 30 years ago\, kids welcome dialogue even if it’s awkward. PIA Co-President Amy Lloyd noted\, similarly\, that the panel “praised parents for talking to them about sex even if it was embarrassing at the time\, particularly with regard to birth control.” Discussions may be tough to initiate\, but become easier with time\, as the child matures. \nLucy added that\, unlike 30 years ago when kids sent a “leave us alone\, just trust us” message\, they now prefer to engage. Amy noted\, “Teens this year seemed noticeably more connected to their parents.” Alcohol is still big: “Kids are gonna drink\, you can’t stop them\,” said the panel\, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want discussion. Lucy asked if they’d want to “sit and have a drink with a parent?” No\, they said\, but we’d like tips\, guidelines\, and a full conversation. Not just “DON’T DO IT\,” or a lecture\, but real information. Amy Lloyd: “They are thankful when parents talk candidly to them\, as long as parents give the ‘why’ behind the ‘don’t do it.’” \nThe kids have absorbed the rule that there should be a go-to person if there’s trouble\, and agreed they’d seek adult help if a friend were dangerously drunk. But they really want to talk with parents about bad scenarios BEFORE they happen. Panelists noted\, “We’d rather be the kid taking care of someone than the kid BEING taken care of.” Abstainers are not put down. Nor are the kids who prefer to just stay at home\, or who suffer from “FOMO” (fear of missing out). \nAlcohol is very accessible\, said Lucy. Fake ID’s make purchasing ridiculously easy. It was much harder 30 years ago\, involving trips into the park or other shadowy places to buy. With fake IDs\, and the amount of ready cash available to many kids\, purchasing power is almost limitless. \nWhat emerged as the big concern now\, vs. then? \nLucy said the panel emphasized it was clearly STRESS. In 1986\, stress arose in senior year around college applications\, but it hits now with disturbing force as soon as the kids enter 9th grade. They arrive in high school and “On day one\, boom! It starts\,” she said. The teens don’t seem resentful that stress is “put on them;” in fact\, they put it on themselves\, and even self-identify as “angsty kids.” Deflective humor aside\, though\, stress is a huge problem for them. \nLucy added\, “Alcohol is still there. Drugs are still there. But the way they hit the ground running as freshmen\, is nothing remotely like 30 years ago. Stress is SO much worse today.” The kids appreciate New York City\, being at the “center of everything\,” but they don’t know how to “get off the merry go round.” While they wouldn’t trade for a slower-paced locale\, they wish life weren’t so pressured. Academic stress\, in particular\, can lead to prescription drug abuse\, to help them ace important tests. Lucy asked the kids if they worried about harm to the brain; they said\, “We just need to get through that test – you do what you have to do to get the good grade. Worry about side effects later.” They sounded like little driven adults\, said Lucy\, but not healthy ones. That wasn’t so true 30 years ago. \nWhat about discipline\, when they “screw up?” Have attitudes changed? \nKids want parents to “let us make all our own mistakes.” And\, “If you’re mad at me for doing poorly\, it’s nothing to how bad I feel and how mad I am at myself\,” said panelists. The message in 1986 was “parents should just trust me\,” Lucy recalled. Now\, it’s more complex: the kids report feeling “worse than [parents] do” if they screw up. The underlying message: an explosion of parental anger won’t do much good. A calm serious talk just might. \nAmy noted that the teen panel “valued parents who don’t just propose punishment\, but let kids make their own mistakes and learn from them.” One was grateful for parents who said\, “If you’re going to make a stupid mistake\, do it under our roof.” Another said\, “We have a policy where my parents will come and pick me up no matter where I am and in what condition I’m in and will not ask any questions until the next day.” \nWill Teen Scene stay relevant? Could there be a Teen Scene LV? \nYes maybe\, said Lucy\, even probably – but who knows what 25 years from now will look like? There are constants: Parent will always want to care for\, love and protect their child\, and the child will want to experience those things. How we present that might look very different. Maybe the event will be digitally managed? Whatever the delivery system\, the adolescent urge to experiment\, and the parental urge to share knowledge\, love and instruct their children well\, are strong and will remain so. For those reasons\, Teen Scene – either in this format or a different one – will likely continue to be a bridge between our essentially well-meaning kids and their worried but well-meaning parents. \nLucy summed up: What will still matter is “the humanity.” When asked why kids are mean to each other online\, the panelists said\, “Because people are stupid.” “Youth is thoughtless\,” Lucy said. Parents must teach humane values like kindness and empathy. It may be “harder now for parents to know what their job is\,” she acknowledged. The steps to adulthood 30 years ago were more narrowly defined; choices are wider now\, making guidance even more important. But parental willingness to talk openly and give guidance is still valuable to teens. That’s reinforced year after year\, straight from teen mouths. \nIn the final analysis\, Teen Scene may simply be best at reminding parents that these kids are\, after all is said and done\, darn good people.
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/teen-scene-2016/
CATEGORIES:Teen Scene
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20160201T083000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20160201T120000
DTSTAMP:20180917T220615Z
CREATED:20180917T220615Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T220615Z
UID:1553-1454315400-1454328000@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Winter Facilitator Training Day 2 - FAPC
DESCRIPTION:8:30 am – 12:00 pm \nInitiating Team: Facilitation\nCoordinator: Josseline Charas
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/winter-facilitator-training-day-2-fapc/
LOCATION:5th Avenue Presbyterian Church\, 7 West 55th Street\, New York\, NY\, 10019\, United States
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20151111T120000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20151111T140000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012847Z
CREATED:20180917T213059Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012847Z
UID:1534-1447243200-1447250400@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Fall Benefit 2015 with Frank Bruni
DESCRIPTION:Frank Bruni Wows Parents at PIA Fall Benefit By Pamela Awad \nAnyone you know applying to college? \nFew situations are as charged as the admissions process\, and application mania\, while a treatable condition\, is a recognizable disorder that afflicts many high school students and their parents. Our preoccupation with elite schools\, and how that squares with our definition of success\, was at the heart of Frank Bruni’s talk to those attending NYC-Parents in Actions annual fall benefit lunch\, earlier this month. “Where You Go is Not Who You’ll Be\,” is the title of Bruni’s most recently published book\, and his address to the crowd of mostly mothers argued his impassioned stance.\n \n\n\nTo great laughter\, Bruni\, wearing a lavender button down shirt and blazer\, described his own family’s academic aspirations. “The sound track of my adolescence was my mother driving along reading the car stickers aloud (indicating the schools children were attending) and commenting ‘Duke\, Dartmouth\, Stanford\, Oh! They did really well’.” So while acceptance to an elite school (a school having the most restrictive admissions criteria and lowest acceptance rate) has always been a goal for many students\, today the process is\, in Bruni’s words\, “exponentially more intense than a quarter of a century ago.” He believes this is true in part because\, “we have selective conversations and we tell selective truths. We see stories about how every Supreme Court judge is touched by ivy\,” he said\, “but you never hear that only one third of the men and women in the Senate went to elite schools.” “Want to be Secretary of State?” he asked. “Start as a failed piano major\,” like Condoleezza Rice whose undergraduate degree is from the University of Denver. Bruni reminded the audience that we forget “there are any number of kinds of educational paths that get you to distinction\, accomplishment\, success\, contentment.” He researched where the MacArthur ‘Genius Grant’ award winners went to school and found that one in five “graduated from colleges with acceptance rates of over 50%\,” furthering his argument that geniuses aren’t determined by where they went to school but rather\, by “how your college education shapes you.” \nFor some\, getting in to an Ivy is the ultimate achievement\, as Bruni illustrated with a story about his stint teaching a food-writing seminar at Princeton. Puzzled that his students’ written letters of application to the course were far more eloquent than their actual work\,he consulted other Princeton faculty. “Getting through the door is the achievement\,” they said. “These students today have prioritized getting in to exclusive realms.” It seems to matter less what they do once they’re inside the classroom\, an unfortunate circumstance since Bruni argues selectiveness doesn’t equal quality\, a lower acceptance rates doesn’t make a better school\, and attendance at an elite school doesn’t ensure contentment. \nAh\, contentment; want your children to be happy for the rest of their lives? Bruni cited the Gallop Purdue Index\, an ongoing and comprehensive survey of college graduates that seeks to measure the most important outcomes of a college education\, that is\, do graduates feel they have a successful and engaging career and are they thriving in life? The study found “virtually no relationship between the selectiveness of the schools that people go to and how contented they report being later on.” What did matter was a relationship with a mentor\, being actively involved in extracurricular activities or in a project that took at least a semester to finish\, or having an internship that related to a student’s studies. Contentment and self perceived success later in life is closely tied to a student’s engagement in the college experience. \nWhich begs the question\, “Is there a profound difference between elite and non-elite schools?” And if there is\, what are the costs\, process and risks along the way? Bruni told a story of orange vested safety workers on suicide watch at railroad crossings in Palo Alto. “Our achievement oriented society produces unusual levels of anxiety and depression\,” he said. We feed into that when we talk about one school being more desirable than another\, or when we encourage kids to follow a prescribed route\, the goal being acceptance at the most selective college of their choice. “We’re telling (our children) that calculation matters more than passion\, that packaging matters more than substance and that life yields to tidy scripts and can be predicted and gamed out\, which is simply not true.” He quoted noted Swarthmore psychology professor Barry Schwarz who said\, “Kids today (versus students 25 or 30 years ago) want to be given a clear and unambiguous path to success\, a recipe. And that’s the wrong thing to be wanting. Progress isn’t made by a recipe\, recipes create cooks\, and they don’t produce chefs!” There’s no formula for becoming “accomplished\, content\, interesting adults” Bruni said\, “When we sketch everything out for kids we don’t allow for serendipity\, surprise\, u-turns\, digressions\,” the things that enrich our day to day lives. \nBruni holds a degree from UNC Chapel Hill as a Morehead Scholar\, but describes himself as the “skunk at the sticker garden party” when comparing himself to his siblings. He chose Chapel Hill over Yale and for him that’ s made all the difference. “Chapel Hill gave me a better sense of what the real world is; I think that’s an important component of education.” It also gave him the perspective to ask profound questions about the value of education and question the assumptions that come with a degree from an Ivy League or elite school. How does a successful life happen? In his words\, “there is no “magic fairy dust” that elite schools sprinkle over their students. “Success is that special combination of doing what you love and what you’re good at. Taking time to (find out) what that is\, is very important.” “Being the kind of person from the kind of background where you have the curiosity\, the ambition\, the faith in yourself\, the exposure to the world that led you to be aware of and to apply to an elite school” (regardless of whether you’re accepted or choose to go) suggests where you go\, is not who you’ll be.
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fall-benefit-2015-with-frank-bruni/
CATEGORIES:Benefits
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20151022T120000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20151022T140000
DTSTAMP:20180917T212900Z
CREATED:20180917T212900Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T212900Z
UID:1533-1445515200-1445522400@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Fall School Rep Luncheon 2015
DESCRIPTION:“Money Learning” – Start Early for Financial Health By Melanie Wells \n“We’d rather talk to our kids about sex than about money\,” was the quip with which Dr. Melissa Donohue\, Founder and Principal of Financial Nutrition\, greeted her audience. As the chuckles died down\, she reassured them that “what I love about financial education is that it’s so attainable\,” likening it to learning to “take care of one’s health.” \nRather than avoid the topic\, said Dr. Donohue\, parents best serve kids if they initiate clear\, direct conversations about money\, and the earlier the better. “Money learning is behavior based as well as fact based\,” she said\, acknowledging the anxiety parents may feel about plunging into what is often – especially among the well-to-do – an emotionally loaded topic. In a presentation blending facts\, emotional concerns and sensible advice\, Dr. Donohue gave the parents a road map for educating their children financially – and effectively. \n \n“Many parents dread talking to their children about money\,” acknowledged Dr. Donohue. She emphasized three compelling reasons for pushing past the discomfort to do so. Why does “money understanding” matter? \n\nIt helps ensure financial security\, health\, happiness and opportunity;\nIt reflects one’s value system;\nIt prepares kids to navigate a financial landscape containing “increasingly complex instruments.”\n\nKids growing up now face a world shaped by a “financial crisis evolution;” people have greater responsibility for their own retirement and the wild market gyration of 2008 is “no longer a one-off” (it could happen again). \nTHE FACTS – Data from FINRA (Investor Education Foundation National Financial Capability Study) showed\, said Dr. Donohue\, that the millennial generation (young adults born 1978-1994) is struggling financially\, and shows low levels of financial literacy. And a Charles Schwab 2011 survey on teens and money found that 86% of teenagers would prefer to learn money management in a class before making mistakes in the “real world.” \nStressing how complicated money learning is\, Dr. Donohue noted that financial education is not just mastering “a system of exchange;” rather\, money “means a lot of things – it can mean knowledge\, behavior\, values\, and communication.” \nKnowledge: the “nuts and bolts” facts;\nBehavior: as with nutrition\, we learn what we “should eat” but may not choose wisely;\nValues: money views in one’s family transmit values\, and these must be communicated. \nFinancial education\, said Dr. Donohue\, may begin at home with three simple concepts: Wants vs. Needs\, Goal Set\nting\, and Saving. \nStart in the elementary school years\, but let the concepts grow increasingly complex as children move through high school\, college and into young adulthood. In age appropriate ways\, parents should help their children grasp related skills: \nWants vs. Needs – Learn to weigh and make choices (You can’t have EVERYTHING.”) \n\nYour elementary school daughter wants a new backpack. Ask her how many she has. If she already has one\, ask how many she really NEEDS.\nIn high school and college\, use the same principle\, but now it can be tied to allowances and part time income\, which need to be budgeted.\n\nGoal setting – Learn to delay gratification (the ability to delay gratification is thought to directly correlate to success in life.) \n\nThe child who wanted the backpack may decide to save her allowance to buy it.\nThe high school student may take a part-time job to save for college.\nThe college student may pursue a major leading to a potentially lucrative career.\nYoung adults should learn to negotiate salaries – and not just accept what’s on offer immediately.\n\nSaving – Learn to save early; later\, learn to invest. \n\nChildren can be encouraged to save allowance for goals they have set.\nHigh school students can be guided to save for college.\nCollege students should learn to manage their college loan debt service and save to be able to repay debt.\nYoung adults should learn to “save for the future\,” which means learning to invest\, beginning with their first jobs. Your adult child should start investing in a 401(K) or other retirement fund as soon as possible to take advantage of the power of compounding.\n\nBEHAVIOR – Dr. Donohue noted the value of teaching your child experientially. You can teach her about negotiation by engaging in it. For example\, if her allowance doesn’t cover a coveted item\, offer to lend her the money – and establish an interest rate. This teaches not only that it costs to borrow\, but also what happens when there isn’t anyone around to just “take care of it on the credit card.” \nSimilarly\, investing learning can be made experiential. Let your child see you invest a small amount of stock – for him\, or for yourself. Watch it together. Chart it out – learn how to follow what happens to an investment. \nEmotional traps lurk around money matters. Parents dread hearing\, “Are we rich?” Saying that “we’re rich in love for each other\,” avoids answering what the child wants to know. A better response would be\, “Why do you ask?” Usually at the “heart of the matter is insecurity\,” said Dr. Donohue\, with issues ranging from comparison with one’s friends\, to pressure from the media\, to anxiety about the future. If you begin by finding out why your child is asking\, you’ll be guided to choose a good response. “Talk about the economy\,” suggested Dr. Donohue\, and share articles on financial matters. \nCOMMUNICATION: Dr. Donohue told parents there are two kinds – verbal and non-verbal. “They’re always watching\,” she noted\, and modeling is paramount. “You can tell them” anything at all\, but “they watch\, and do what you do;” thus\, “your spending habits are transferred” to them. Dr. Donohue advised a proactive stance – communicate with intent. Talk about investments\, financial goals\, career advice and philanthropy. During discussions\, your values will be communicated along with your actions. \nPartner with your child’s school\, too\, advised Dr. Donohue. Find out whether the school offers financial learning\, and if not\, ask about it. Time is short in kids’ packed days\, with homework and extra-curriculars on top of a full class load\, but a structured financial education can help children achieve financial literacy\, which is of greater use than mere financial capability. Financial competence may mean your child will learn how to get a mortgage; financial literacy gives him a stronger conceptual foundation and a more sophisticated grasp of finance throughout adulthood. \nDr. Donohue offered a few more practical takeaways: \n\nGive your child cash. She will treat cash with more care than plastic.\nTake out old checkbooks to use as a teaching tool – he can learn online banking later.\nDiscuss data protection – have conversations about identity theft.\nTeach your kids about taxes – how they’re deducted\, what they’re used for. If she disagrees with the uses\, discuss why many people choose political involvement and activism.\n\nDr. Donohue advised parents to start these conversations early. Communication is a key component in financial education at home. Money “matters\,” in more ways than just the practical. Through your financial teaching – in lessons both experiential and conceptual – your child hears your values and learns your priorities. Help him or her to develop these fully for his own life\, from youth to adulthood. \nBio: Dr. Melissa Donohue is the Founder and Principal of Financial Nutrition\, Inc. She has experience with financial education instruction\, curriculum and content development. Dr. Donohue has taught financial education to students from Spence\, Brearley\, Chapin\, and Nightingale-Bamford. Dr. Donohue has a Masters degree from the School of International and Public Affairs at Columbia University with a specialization in International Banking and Finance\, and a Doctoral degree in Education from the University of Massachusetts\, Amherst that includes dissertation research on women’s financial literacy. For more information and to view Dr. Donohue’s blog\, visit financialnutrition.com
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fall-school-rep-luncheon-2015/
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20151007T190000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20151007T203000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012925Z
CREATED:20180917T212622Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012925Z
UID:1532-1444244400-1444249800@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Fall Seminar 2015
DESCRIPTION:Your Child and Online Safety: Communication Matters By Melanie Wells \nVirtually all parents – when they have doubts or agonize over solving a child-rearing problem – share a drive to reach the goal that trumps all others: to “keep my child safe.” The Internet has expanded the territory parents need to cover\, and at the October 7th PIA Fall Seminar\, attendees received insight and guidance on how best to do so\, from Chauncey Parker\, Special Policy Advisor in the Manhattan DA’s office; and Liz Repking\, Founder of Cyber Safety and Consulting. \n \nIn a free-ranging discussion of Online Safety and Parenting in the Digital Age\, Repking and Parker\, although coming from differing areas of expertise (digital technology and criminal justice) found common ground on which to base two fundamental and valuable pieces of advice to parents:\nChoices matter; and\nTalk to your kids. \nMs. Repking\, an energetic mother of three with a relaxed and candid delivery\, opened by telling parents “I’m living this with you\,” using anecdotes from her own experience to illustrate ways parents can stay ahead of Internet pitfalls. \nRecently\, she reported\, she heard her husband telling their middle-school-aged daughter\, who was online\, to “get off now.” Apparently her daughter had engaged in a real-time conversation with another girl\, purportedly eleven years old\, who was pressing for information about Repking’s daughter’s location\, soccer team and other details. Ms. Repking took a screen shot of the conversation and brought it to a detective\, who read through the conversation and said of the other writer\, “I can tell you\, that is NOT an 11-year-old girl.” \nDo not assume “my kid won’t make a decision to do that\,” warned Repking; the truth is\, kids don’t always “recognize a situation as it unfolds.” Giving a few advance guidelines and then assuming all is well\, are simply not enough. A parent must teach self-esteem\, good decision-making skills\, and how to have good relationships – all affect a child’s ability to judge wisely online – and the best way to impart these skills is through regular\, open communication. Through involvement in a child’s online life\, and keeping an eye open for conversational opportunities\, parents have a good shot at achieving the goal of “keeping my kids safe” – on the Internet\, just as on public streets. \n“I have lots of stories\,” Repking confided\, before offering another illustrative tale\, in which a 15-year-old girl receives a friend request (via Facebook) from a boy her age\, whose profile includes a great photo and a big credible list of friends – delivered in an engaging and winning manner. She responds\, they talk\, and she finds that he “really REALLY listens\, and he really ‘GETS’ me!” Confident about her new acquaintance\, she moves to texting\, and at his request\, sends him a photo. (Here Repking explained that it is a “cultural norm” in this age group to send questionable photos. In this case\, the girl sends one of her breasts. Bad judgment? Perhaps\, Repking said\, but the scenario is not unusual.) \nSoon the boy acknowledges he’s “not really 15\, but 18.” That gives temporary pause\, but with more messaging her concerns fade\, and she agrees to meet him. But first\, he says\, “I’m not really 18\, I’m 27.” \nRepking told this story to a group of high school kids\, and they were fine with every step – until the last one. Before the writer admitted to being 27\, the kids agreed they too would text\, send a photo\, and agree to meet him\, even if he was “really 18.” But . . . 27? A typical response was\, “Oh that’s gross.” \nThere are three choices available here\, said Repking: you meet him; you don’t meet him but risk his exposing the breasts photo; or you tell your parents. But what if parents have threatened to take the phone away if it is misused? Most kids didn’t want to tell parents. Some said they’d go meet the predator\, but take a friend along. Repking said that was no solution – it just gives him “two for the price of one.” In most cases\, she said\, the kid does meet the predator. \nWhat parents must do\, advised Repking\, is give their kids a way “to make a safe decision.” Her advice: tell your kids they have one chance (she likened it to a “get out of jail free” card): you screw up\, you tell me – one time – and I’ll help you\, without punishment. This operates much like the “call your parents when too drunk to drive” pact (“if you call\, I’ll come and get you\, I won’t expose you and I’ll ensure your safe return home – we can talk later”). The agreement helps your child make the safe decision. If she’s more scared of your reaction than she is of meeting the predator\, she may not make that safer decision. \nWe educate children well about street safety – hammering the lessons home over many years\, reviewing detailed scenarios with specifics (Don’t go near that white van! Don’t believe the lost puppy story!) but we hand over an iPhone with very little specific direction about the dangers it might bring\, said Repking. We walk our kids everywhere for years\, and after that\, ask them to walk with a friend. Just as on the street the predator seeks the child who is alone\, the Internet predator seeks the child whose information is “wide open” with no privacy walls. So don’t let your child be that one\, advises Repking. Monitor your child’s activity. Establish privacy settings AS SOON AS YOU GIVE YOUR CHILD A PHONE. Let him see you do this\, and explain why it’s done. She suggested parents find and learn to set up Google Safe Search\, YouTube Safety Mode and My Mobile Watchdog. \nAbove all\, communicate. Keep dialogue open. Talk about the technology and the what-ifs of having an online life. Kids may parrot the rules\, but that doesn’t mean good judgment will kick in if a situation seems harmless to them. (Remember the 15-year-old girl who sent the inappropriate picture to the 27-year old “boy” who seemed so nice?) Repking advised telling kids to “hit the pause button” and ask themselves\, “how would I feel if what I’m about to post were on the front page of the NY Times?” She stressed\, “what goes up\, stays up” and whatever you post “is your reputation.” And even worse\, whatever you expose “is your future.” One college student who briefly posted a gun emoji and then took it down\, soon found the police at his door and ended up getting kicked out of college. Tell your children about consequences\, says Repking. Find illustrative news articles\, and discuss them. \nChauncey Parker\, Special Policy Advisor in the Manhattan District Attorney’s office\, identified himself first by saying “I’m a Dad.” Offering background on what he’d learned working in criminal justice\, he also made it clear he shared the concerns of every parent\, and offered to share strategies he has found effective in keeping his own children safe. Echoing Repking\, he stressed the high value of communication\, as well as caution\, and “making good choices.” \nAfter giving a brief overview of the success New York City has enjoyed\, moving from crime-ridden in the 1980’s to a much safer level now (in 1990 the murder figure was 500; in 2014\, it was 37)\, Parker noted that “the Internet is the crime scene of the 21st century.” Offering a parallel\, he told parents the goal of the criminal justice system has been to make the people of Manhattan as safe as possible but not use one more jail day than necessary to make that happen. Instrumental to the success of keeping this balance has been crime strategies units\, which figure out where problems are\, precinct by precinct\, and develop strategies specifically to combat those problems. Similarly\, the dangers the Internet poses to our children are best met with good strategizing. \nSo how do we keep our Internet-using kids safe? Parker offered three rules:\nPasswords matter – never share passwords\, with anyone.\nAge matters – your child’s\, and the age of the person he/she talks to.\nChoices matter – kids need your help learning how to make good ones. \nParker gave a sobering example of the first rule: a high school student\, who never got an email from the college he hoped to attend\, inquired\, and learned they’d already gotten a response from him saying “I’m not coming.” Distraught\, the student discovered the college gave away the place they’d reserved for him. He had given his cousin his password. The cousin’s boyfriend sent the impersonating email\, rejecting the college’s offer. The cousin may have been trustworthy\, but the student’s account was still misused. If you never share a password\, you never have to worry that it will be re-shared beyond your control. \nThe one exception Parker gave is that in an emergency\, parents may need a son or daughter’s password. The justice system constantly strives to achieve a balance between security and liberty\, said Parker\, yet\, he noted\, the iPhone is designed to be impenetrable. If your child is in danger\, you may be able to help police by supplying a password. Respect your child’s privacy\, but try to keep his password in a secure place you will go to ONLY in an emergency. \nThe Internet can also be a “crime scene” when your own child is not the victim\, but the perpetrator\, wittingly or unwittingly. Your child should be taught that the list of Internet crimes includes: Criminal Impersonation (of which the cousin’s boyfriend was guilty); Aggravated Harassment (communicating a threat by computer or other electronic means); and Unlawful Dissemination (e.g.\, sending out video taken without victim’s knowledge and consent\, and then posting\, without consent). Just as your child must be taught not to let him or herself become a victim of these crimes\, she or he must not commit these crimes. \nThis is why choices matter. Learning to make good choices is a big part of maturing. Using the Internet within the boundaries of common sense and in compliance with rules and terms of use opens up a wider world\, safely. Going outside those boundaries is unsafe\, whether one is victim or perpetrator. Parker says he tells his kids\, if you drive and have an accident without a drop of alcohol in your blood\, it is an accident. If you have any alcohol in your system\, it may be a crime. Internet misuse\, too\, can cross the line into the criminal. Know where the lines are drawn\, and make sure your kids know too. \nParker said\, “The Internet is amazing\,” yet acknowledged its potential to have lasting negative effect on one’s future if not used properly. A good parental strategy for Internet crime prevention that will protect children is to “be cautious\, not fearful.” Parker reminded parents to recall the words of Thomas Jefferson: “Whenever you do a thing\, act as if all the world were watching.” The Internet\, said Parker\, makes it so – the world is\, in a sense\, watching. \nHis parting advice was a reminder\, once again\, to teach your children how to “make good choices.”
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fall-seminar-2015/
CATEGORIES:Webinars
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20150511T120000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20150511T140000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012847Z
CREATED:20180917T212254Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012847Z
UID:1531-1431345600-1431352800@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Mother's Day Benefit 2015
DESCRIPTION:Social Studies: The Skills That Bring Success by Pamela Awad\n \nSix weeks ago Faye de Muyshondt’s second child\, Oliver\, was born; six years ago she gave birth to socialsklz:-). Before Oliver came marriage and a baby daughter; with socialsklz:-) came books\, a website\, workshops\, and a unique way of giving young people the social interaction and communication\, or “life\,” skills they may lack. On the second Monday of May\, Ms. de Muyshondt spoke at Parents in Action’s annual Mother’s Day lunch. Social skills\, dubbed by a CASEL study “the missing piece in American education\,” are what de Muyshondt calls essential “skills to use every day” and the foundation for “every single thing we do.” She believes they build self- esteem and confidence\, affect our life drastically and are vital to success in today’s fast paced\, technological world.\n\n \n  \nThe seeds of socialsklz:-) were sown when Ms. de Muyshondt began teaching a workshop entitled “The Brand Called You” at NYU’s Steinhardt School. She realized first impressions\, body language\, and conversational skills (among other social “niceties”) impacted\neverything from young adults’ abilities to effectively interview for a job\, to children’s success on the playground\, in the classroom\, and in the world at large. Adapting these lessons to workshops for children of varying ages\, she developed a list of social skills for success and in front of our 200 or so assembled guests\, shared five of the ones she feels all children need in their “toolkit for life.” \n  \nWith enthusiasm\, props\, and body language\, Ms. Muyshondt enlightened the audience about first impressions. Asking\, “How do you want to come across?” she noted that “your non-verbal impression has the most impact; you decide what goes into your first impression.” She mimed entering a room in an uneasy manner and then a confident one\, and said that when asked\, most people\, whether aged 5 or 50\, indicate they’d like to come across as “happy\, friendly\, polite\, and eager.” She explained how eye contact\, facial gestures\, and body language contribute to that all-important non-verbal first impression\, and then spoke about a “proper handshake.” Offering the audience the tips of her fingers\, she advised against the “Queen’s shake\,” a fingertips-only half-shake. She then donned a pair of latex gloves with Velcro attached to the “web” of each hand (between thumb and forefinger) to demonstrate the “web-to-web” shake. She explained how she asks students in her class to put on the gloves and shake hands with each other. When they shake properly\, students’ hands stick together\, web to web. Readers take note: parents don’t always pass the test. \n  \n“Teaching a child what to say when meeting someone is an important verbal skill\,” said Ms. de Muyshondt\, and another one for the toolkit. Properly introducing yourself and properly addressing the person to whom you are speaking are the beginnings of positive social interaction. Starting the conversation can be tricky too. Ms. de Muyshondt explained that conversational skills come with practice and are as important to life as they are to good verbal first impressions. She recommended having three questions at the ready that can be used as conversation starters. Good examples include: “How are you?” “Are you enjoying the spring weather?” “What are your weekend plans?” “Being armed with knowledge and confidence\, having those three questions you can ask anybody is empowering before you embark on a social situation\,” she said. Ms. de Muyshondt showed the audience a small rubber ball and described the “Conversation Skills Game\,” a two-minute conversation exercise where no one-word responses like “good” or “fine” are allowed. Equipped with three questions\, the child holding the ball begins the conversation\, passing the ball to his partner as she begins her response. Like good conversation\, the ball should be passed back and forth. \n  \n“Your Digital first impression is as impactful as your face to face first impression\,” de Muyshondt said\, and parents should teach their children to be “safe\, savvy\, and independent in the virtual world.” She emphasized the need for conversations between parents and children about the rules or “playbook” for digital life and the need to be proactive “before anything goes wrong.” Each family’s rules will be different\, but parents should know about their children’s online activity and children should be clear about their parents’ expectations\, be it knowledge of their passwords or the apps they download for their phones. She advises families to discuss the kinds of photos that are appropriate for posting\, how often it’s appropriate to post\, and how much time can be spent on devices. “Digital contracts are a good way to begin communicating with your kids about going online\,” she said. And it’s important for parents to teach their children that what we say online can live forever. She reminded the audience that the digital world “can turn into a permanent memory bank.” \n  \nEmpathy “is one of the most important traits for anyone to possess\,” and has been identified as one of the five leading traits of leaders across the world\, said Ms. de Muyshondt. Teaching empathy is “incredibly important\,” as is being an empathic listener\, that is\, one who simply listens\, without distraction. She teaches this skill by having her students each tell a three-minute story. Listeners can’t interrupt; they are only allowed to nod\, ask a question for clarification\, or to show engagement. “We have two ears and one mouth\,” she said\, meaning we should talk half as much as we listen. It’s “an incredible gift to be able to listen and show people you really care.” \n  \nIdentifying feelings and expressing them\, specifically when managing friendships\, is another skill Ms. de Muyshondt believes we should teach our children well. With a rubber baloney sandwich Ms. Muyshondt demonstrated the “sandwich technique\,” and how it can be applied to the social quandaries that children encounter. “The bun represents the positives or solutions to a conflict\,” she said\, explaining how the top part of the bun is a positive feeling\, i.e.\, “I treasure our friendship;” the meat of the sandwich is what’s troubling\, “I feel hurt or angry;” and the bottom half of the bun is a positive conclusion\, “How can we resolve this?” It’s an “incredibly effective way to identify and express feelings” that will earn you a receptive audience\, rather than “coming at or accusing someone\,” said Ms. de Muyshondt\, and she urged every parent to “take the time to teach these skills to your children; the investment in time will pay off in spades.” \n  \nSocial skills: They’re necessary to teach\, practice\, and repeat\, and we will use them every day for the rest of our lives. For more information visitwww.socialsklz.com \n 
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/mothers-day-benefit-2015/
CATEGORIES:Benefits
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20150430T190000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20150430T203000
DTSTAMP:20180917T212112Z
CREATED:20180917T212034Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T212112Z
UID:1530-1430420400-1430425800@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:April 2015 School Rep Luncheon
DESCRIPTION:Foodfight.org Founder Offers a Brief Lesson in “Food Literacy” By Melanie Wells \nYou care deeply about your child’s nutrition. You’ve read the rising – and frightening – statistics on the overweight/obesity/diabetes epidemic surging in America. You don’t want your child to join those statistics. So you read labels. You limit sugary treats. You search for a nutritional regimen to protect your child. \nBut is that enough? According to Deborah Lewison-Grant\, Ph.D.\, founder of FoodFight.org\, this fight is way bigger than saying no to an extra can of Coca Cola. It’s about redefining our relationship with food\, and even more importantly\, with Big Food. \nAt the April School PIA School Rep Luncheon\, the audience got an eye-opening look at the forces underlying our current overweight/obesity/diabetes epidemic\, and learned that guiding children on a path to healthful eating is not as simple as just counting calories. Deborah Lewison-Grant\, Ph.D.\, former NYC School teacher and founder of FoodFight.org\, articulated her organization’s mission to “revolutionize the way we eat and think about food.” Using schools as a platform for educating teachers\, parents and students\, FoodFight equips them with the understanding and overview needed to begin reversing unhealthy trends\, and seeks to help us all understand how we “got into this current mess”- our societal struggle with a serious and widespread epidemic. \nA critical piece of this understanding is the back-story. With the sure touch and classroom management skill of a seasoned teacher\, Dr. Lewison-Grant shed light for her listeners on a brief history of changes in food production and distribution since the 1940s and 50s. She revealed how consumers were gradually led\, over time\, to first blame themselves for personal weight struggles\, and finally\, to lay general blame for the entire obesity epidemic squarely at the feet of the consumer. This blame is misplaced\, says Lewison-Grant\, and is more myth than science. Blaming the consumer is a tactic\, and it is rooted in corporate advertising. \nIf the poor choices of the consumer are responsible for the epidemic\, then by logic\, the makers of processed foods must not be. Therefore\, we’re told that overweight\, obesity and diabetes have increased because: \n\nWe make bad choices\nWe overeat\nWe have no self-control\nWe don’t exercise enough.\n\nThe fourth point highlights a popular misconception\, that all calories act the same in the body and can be countered in the same way – with the correct amount of exercise. \nMyth – Weight management = balance of calories burned and calories consumed. Lewison-Grant noted that Coca Cola has run campaigns suggesting their product’s entire caloric load can be balanced with exercise – if the balky consumer would only choose it. Easy formula: drink one 20 oz. can of coke\, then exercise at high speed on a bike for 1 hour and a quarter. This equation suggests all calories are equal\, and that responsibility lies with the consumer to “erase” them with the right choice of exercise. \nTruth – Not all calories are created equal. \nTo illustrate\, Lewison-Grant compared 160 cals. worth of Coca Cola and 160 cals. worth of raw almonds. The difference was striking: \n1) Almond calorie count –  Contains beneficial fiber and protein.  Stabilizes blood sugar. \n2) Coca Cola calorie count –  Contains no fiber.  Rather than stabilizing blood sugar\, sends sugar straight to the bloodstream. Allows excess sugar to be stored as fat. \nThe immediate rush of sugar to the bloodstream has addictive consequences. The boost of a high-packed sugar treat lights up the same reward areas of the brain as “doing a line of cocaine\,” noted Dr. Lewison-Grant. Food companies\, she added\, “exploit our biological preferences for formulas that maximize sugar\, salt and fat.” Companies spend a great deal on research to create a “packed formula\,” designed to make snacks (literally) “irresistible.” \nEconomics influence facts too\, both historically\, and in shaping food myths. \nPush-pull: Dietary Guidelines vs. the growth of Commodity Crops  \nEarly dietary guidelines were published in 1977\, just as the USDA was pushing commodity corps like soy and corn. Who’s the winner? If spending reflects clout\, it doesn’t look good for dietary guidelines. Lewison-Grant compared one year’s spending: \nThe “Healthy Plate” Promo – $   2 Million \nPepsi Ad Promotion:              $350 Million \nMyths shape dining habits over time\, and in the past few decades\, processed food has become a staple for those on a budget\, partly through a belief that it’s better economy. While low income used to be associated with home cooking (dining out was too expensive an option)\, that trend has been reversed. \nMyth – Fast food is cheaper than Mom’s homemade food.  \nTruth – This statement has not held up under study. Further\, it does not calculate the costs of the health deficits associated with a frequent diet of fast food. Messaging has convinced the consumer that it’s cheaper to eat at McDonald’s or KFC every night than to buy raw ingredients and cook them\, but the claim isn’t borne out by facts. \nW.H.O Speaks: \nWith our commodities exports\, exports of our style of eating increased too\, says Lewison-Grant. Concurrently\, the American obesity epidemic moved out beyond our borders. The World Health Organization\, responding with alarm to an increasing health epidemic\, wrote two guidelines regarding sugar intake: \n\nSugar is a major cause of metabolic disease.\nWe recommend that no more than 10% of daily caloric intake come from sugar.\n\nLewison-Grant noted these two recommendations\, particularly the second\, were met with a backlash from Big Food\, comparing #2 to a directive from a “nanny state\,” and fighting its inclusion in the report. W.H.O. was threatened with a withholding of aid if it didn’t strike the 2nd recommendation from its report\, she said. It did so. \nHowever\, despite efforts to keep that recommendation from the eyes of the American consumer\, statistics from studies of refined sugar intake are available\, and we should be aware of them. The role sugar plays in damaging health goes well beyond the danger of tooth decay. Sugar consumption: \n\nBlocks the brain’s ability to know it’s full\nForces storage of excess belly fat (linked to incidence of heart disease)\nCauses short term energy spike\, followed by crash\, leading to poor food choices\nIncreases overall hunger\nSaps energy from the body.\n\nAfter years of unguarded sugar intake\, weight gain may lead to obesity\, and metabolic disease may ensue. Sugar cravings are ignited early in life\, then aided and abetted as the child grows – from feeding highly sweetened formula to babies\, to using candy as a reward for children\, to offering sweetened children’s breakfast cereals\, among the most highly sugared brands. \nThe result? We are a population that consumes\, on average\, approximately 3 pounds of sugar per week; this is in comparison to only 15 pounds PER YEAR prior to 1950. Of that consumption\, about half comes from soda\, juice\, ice cream and candy\, says Lewison-Grant\, and about half of that amount is “hidden\,” not obvious unless the buyer knows how to parse a food label. And that isn’t at all easy to do. While the American Heart Association helpfully offers a recommended limit (6-9 tsps. sugar per day)\, food labels list sugar content only in grams. Not a word about teaspoons. \nAs parents\, what should we do? Lewison-Grant notes that we protect our kids from violence\, drug and alcohol abuse\, and street crime. We dutifully teach them safety rules. We need to add discussion of “Food Literacy\,” she said. \nLiteracy\, with respect to any category of knowledge\, suggests the ability to access\, analyze and evaluate information. Food literacy would mean having the ability to understand and define the entire life cycle of the food we and our children eat: its growing\, harvesting\, transporting\, processing\, packaging\, selling\, eating and disposal. \nTrain your child to be “Food Literate\,” so he/she will: \n\nKnow the difference between ecological and industrial agriculture\nKnow how to articulate the impact of seasonality\nUnderstand the difference between whole and processed food\nKnow and understand the relation between food and health\nPossess basic food shopping and cooking skills.\n\nTalk to your kids\, Lewison-Grant urged. Just as you set aside time to teach them street safety\, devote some time to nutritive safety. With your children: \n\nDeconstruct advertising – show kids how to identify manipulative tactics.\nLearn together to read labels; use the 5-5-5 rule: 5g or less of sugar\, 5 g or MORE of fiber\, 5 ingredients maximum on the label.\nUnderstand what to ignore: false food claims are all over the box. Ignore all.\nEncourage better food advocacy. Get involved. Ask questions. Vote with your dollars. Teach your children to become consumers who do the same.\n\nLewison-Grant opened our eyes to a rather sinister idea – that the food industry has unfairly suggested we and our lack of will are to blame for the obesity epidemic. Armed with some facts and better understanding\, we might find that the reversal of that epidemic is a responsibility we’d be eager to share. If we can educate ourselves and our children to demand better food choices\, and to help create a food-literate nation\, we might replace artificial shame with a sense of real pride. \n  \nDeborah Lewison-Grant co-founded FoodFight in 2009 as a response to the growing impact of the obesity and diabetes epidemic on vulnerable youth. As a long-time public school teacher\, Deborah saw an untapped opportunity to use schools as a platform for educating and inspiring school stakeholders to think differently about food and the food system. Although FoodFight started as a curriculum to teach high school students about the social\, political and environmental forces that shape what they eat and buy\, it has developed into a program that provides resources for teachers\, staff\, parents and students – all key constituents of their learning communities. Deborah earned her Doctorate in Curriculum and Teaching from Teachers College Columbia University. She lives in New York City with her husband\, along with two fierce foodfighters – her 12-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter. \n 
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/april-2015-school-rep-luncheon/
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20150302T190000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20150302T203000
DTSTAMP:20181009T013027Z
CREATED:20180917T211625Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T013027Z
UID:1529-1425322800-1425328200@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Fathers Only 2015
DESCRIPTION:Fathers Only by Pamela Awad and Ken Anderson \nSome of the almost 200 fathers who came to the auditorium of the Hewitt School on the second Monday of March did so because their wives told them to come\, others came of their own volition. Everyone in the standing room only crowd who attended this year’s NYC – Parents in Action’s signature Fathers Only event\, stayed to see excerpts of the Academy Award nominated film Boyhood and hear a panel discussion moderated by George Davison\, Head of Grace Church School. The evening\, hosted by PIA Board member Chris Theodoros\, proved that indeed\, Fathers Matter\, the aptly titled book by author and panelist Paul Raeburn. Along with Dr. Jonathan Cohen\, a child and adolescent psychologist at the National School Climate Center\, and John Sloss a producer of Boyhood\, the panel proved that fathers are among a child’s most valuable asset. \n \n  \nA lively discussion was punctuated by the viewing of several key scenes. Here are some of the salient points made during the evening: \n  \n● Fathers\, get to know your children’s activities and interests and be willing to share your own daily experiences. The best time for sharing is dinner time according to one Dad\, when everyone can talk about the high and low points of their day. \n● Communication is vital to all relationships and the key to a long term dynamic relationship with your children. Dr. Cohen emphasized the importance of being open and honest with your children\, regardless of age. \n● Fathers bond with their children in unique and quotidian ways.The non verbal rituals between fathers and children are the stuff of which grown-ups are made\, as illustrated in a scene from Boyhood where Mason Sr\, played by Ethan Hawke and his young son played by Ellar Coltrane\, share a campfire ritual. \n● Fathers are sometimes bewildered by their daughters prepubescent and adolescent behavior and mother daughter conflicts can leave fathers further bemused. Panelists uniformly agreed that parents need to show a united front and fathers should never keep secrets from their children’s mother\, even when privy to confidential information. “There should be no daylight between parents\,” said one panelist. It was also noted that fathers can play a useful role in softening the messages between mothers and daughters. \n● Fathers\, just showing up makes you a winner. Having a father present in the home makes a difference in a child’s life\, said Mr. Raeburn\, noting the results of several studies. \n● Mason Sr.’s growth as a father and the development of the bond between father and son in the movie were noted as realistic examples of how a father’s relationship with his children is dynamic and can grow over time with dedication and willingness to change. \n● Fathers play a valuable role educating their children about acceptable social behavior although talking about sex with their daughters is difficult. Dr. Cohen lamented the lack of discussion about date rape at many high schools. Panelists agreed that both parents play an important role in this discussion and Mr. Davison noted that the Grace Church School has been addressing this issue for years. \n  \nFather’s Only in the words of one father\, was “valuable\, provided some tangible insights and was memorable. We want more.” Save the time next year\, Dads\, the dialogue continues. \n  \n  \n\n			\n				\n			\n				\n				George Davison\n				\n			\n				\n			\n				\n				John Sloss\n				\n			\n				\n			\n				\n				Jonathan Cohen Ph.D\n				\n			\n				\n			\n				\n				Paul Raeburn\n				\n		\n\n  \n 
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fathers-only-2015/
LOCATION:The Hewitt School\, 45 East 75th Street\, New York\, NY\, 10021\, United States
CATEGORIES:Parenting Scene
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20141113T120000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20141113T140000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012847Z
CREATED:20180917T211346Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012847Z
UID:1528-1415880000-1415887200@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Fall Benefit Luncheon
DESCRIPTION:Robin Berman\, MD\, Wows Audience with Wit and Wisdom – Fall Benefit 2014 By Melanie Wells\n  \n“Hate Me Now\, Thank Me Later” – Dr. Robin Berman’s UK book title – succinctly captures the message and tone of her very entertaining presentation to a delighted audience at the NYC-Parents in Action Fall Benefit on November 13. \nDeceptively comedic\, Dr. Berman’s energetic style (and the frequent laughs it drew) actually delivered substantive data and some profound food for thought on what goes into successfully guiding children to confident maturity. In one of her many lively and accessible axioms\, Dr. Berman advised parents: “Be an emotional grown-up. You don’t want your children to be so aware of your needs that they have to swallow their own.” \nDr. Berman’s message begins with the parent\, not the child. She stressed again and again that parents must sit in the driver’s seat. Quoting children (whose voices are not always included with expert advice) Dr. Berman offered excerpts of interviews with kids who turned out to be strong advocates for her message. According to one: “They [parents] say don’t yell but they yell\, they say don’t lie and they lie. It’s not kids who have to change\, it’s the parents.” Kids need a parent firmly in charge\, says Berman\, but that’s not the whole story. \n \nRecalling a parental mantra from her own childhood – “Because I said so” – Berman noted today’s approach has evolved to parenting as a “personal concierge service” for the child. Showing an amusing slide with an aviation cartoon\, Berman threw out an easy-to-grasp take-away: “If you saw a four-year-old in the cockpit – how safe would you feel? You\, not the kids\, fly the plane.” When the laughter subsided\, she noted that though the pendulum must swing\, it shouldn’t go all the way back. She recommended a balance between “because I said so” and handing over the keys to the cockpit. “Honor the feeling but hold the line” is a desirable middle ground. \nBerman stressed that the “how” really matters when parents fly that plane. “Set limits with love\,” she advised\, holding not just the line\, but also “the feeling.” Remember to “empathize with disappointments” even as you enforce limits. Sympathize with your child when he is suffering the consequences of misbehavior. Kids notice everything you do and say\, said Dr. Berman\, adding: “Parenting is a divine invitation to be your best self.” That often simply means keeping empathy\, and love\, in the equation. \nQuoting Freud\, Dr. Berman said it’s “not attention kids seek\, but love.” The way one is made to feel sticks\, she said. “We do not write the story of childhood with a dry-erase board – we write with a permanent sharpie” (Hall of Fame Softball player and coach Sue Enquist). And it’s not only the memory that lasts – good parenting has been shown to actually change the structure of the developing brain. A slide comparing a normal 3-year-old brain with that of an orphan showed a striking difference\, with the brain of the neglected child appearing shrunken. \nBut back to that balancing act – exactly how does one best “hold the line?” Answer: effective discipline. Discipline\, a word from which some parents shy\, really means “to teach\, not shame punish or hit\,” said Dr. Berman. She offered an ABC’s of discipline\, listing five elements of good practice: \n \nA = Be an Ally\, not an adversary. \nB = Take the “Bark/Bite” out of discipline. \nC = Be Calm and Consistent with follow-through. \nD = Discipline yourself before you discipline your child. \nE = Empathize with your child’s feelings – “I get it.” \n  \nTo deliver on each of these while managing self-discipline is a tall order. A strategy key to the task is to “choose your words with grace.” Tone\, delivery and language all matter\, said Dr. Berman\, reminding parents: “Trash the trash talk” – whether the target is the child\, one’s spouse or even one’s ex. Referring to the old adage about sticks and stones\, Dr. Berman suggested the reverse is true – a skinned knee heals and is forgotten\, but “words wound in deep and powerful ways” (Rabbi Steven Leder). Parents should choose a “lovely tone” and the “right words\,” honoring the notion that our treatment of our children will “determine their treatment of themselves” and that “we are the voice in our children’s heads.” \nIf you goof? Dr. Berman acknowledged that no parent ever “gets it right all the time.” She had an antidote ready: The “Mommy Do-Over.” If you say something you didn’t mean\, own your mistake.  The “difference between a scare and a scar is an apology.” Apologies allow parents to model maturity\, get that second chance\, and minimize damage.  Always “follow rupture with repair.” \nBefore closing\, Dr. Berman offered a few more general pointers: \n\n“Super scheduling” is disastrous. Don’t “steal childhood.” Find balance.\nTalk up character and kindness – achievement is not the only value.\nModerate media use – “too much time on apps does not build the best brain.”\nAsk yourself\, “What can I teach my child today?”\nTwo top parental roles are “Moral Compass” and “Soul Guide.” Don’t get bogged down with personal shopper\, chauffeur or chef. Aim high.\n\nDr. Berman left her audience with a touching image: a child’s self-portrait was shown holding hands with a much smaller “mommy\,” and between them ran a cascade of little red hearts. Asked about the drawing\, the child said\, “She looks at me with hearts in her eyes\, and that’s why I’ve grown so big.” Help your child do the same. \n\n\nRobin Berman\, M.D.\, an Associate Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA\, is also a founding board member of the Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital at UCLA. She is the author of Permission to Parent: How to Raise Your Child with Love & Limits\, and has appeared on The Today Show and Good Morning America. Her book has been featured in the Washington Post\, the London Times\, and Time Magazine online.  \n \n 
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/fall-benefit-luncheon/
CATEGORIES:Benefits
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20141112T174500
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20141112T200000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012847Z
CREATED:20180917T211138Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012847Z
UID:1527-1415814300-1415822400@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:How to Raise a Drug Free Kid: The Straight Dope for Parents
DESCRIPTION:Substance Abuse: Be A Parent\, Not A Pal by Lisa Huffines\nParents have a lot more power than they may realize to prevent teens from sliding into substance abuse. That was the strong message a sell-out crowd at the Harmonie Club heard on the evening of November 12\, when Joseph A. Califano\, Jr.\, headlined a panel discussion on “How to Raise a Drug Free Kid: The Straight Dope for Parents\,” which is also the title of Califano’s recently updated book. \nCalifano\, who served as United States Secretary of Health\, Education\, and Welfare during the Carter administration\, is a founder of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA)\, which co-sponsored the event with Parents in Action. Serving on the panel with Califano were Drs. Joe Woolston and Claudia Califano\, both of the Yale Child Study Center\, and Dr. Herbert Kleber\, director of the Division of Substance Abuse at the New York State Psychiatric Institute. Dr. Sam Ball\, the newly elected president of CASA and a professor of psychiatry at Yale\, moderated the discussion. \n \nCalifano’s chief message\, both in his opening remarks and in his book\, is that parents often fail to exercise the power they have over their children’s use of illegal substances. They forget\, Califano said\, that their job is to “be a parent\, not a pal.” This is particularly critical with regard to substance abuse\, he said\, because anyone who reaches the age of 21 without abusing drugs or alcohol is virtually “home free” for life. \nPrevention\, according to Califano\, is fairly simple. Parents must be involved in their children’s lives\, and they must set rules and stick to them. Easier said than done\, of course\, in a world where teens are faced with constant difficult decisions\, but the panel recommended a zero-tolerance policy. \nZero tolerance raised questions in the audience; one could almost feel the murmur of objection from listeners\, which could have been articulated as\, “But shouldn’t we be more … realistic?” The panelists clarified: Zero tolerance means saying “I don’t want this in your body” and imposing consequences when the rule is broken. But\, the panelists said\, by all means be realistic in imposing the consequences\, which should be commensurate with the offense – one panelist suggested a reversal of the privilege of freedom that has been abused – but not draconian. The point is to make clear a categorical disapproval of the child’s use of illegal substances\, and to follow through with discipline when these expectations are not met. The excuse that “everybody does it” is not true; there are kids who abstain. Califano points out\, for example\, that three quarters of teens do not smoke pot. \nJoseph A. Califano Jr.\nFor those parents still unsure that zero tolerance is a workable policy\, Califano offered substantial fuel for firmer resolve\, in the form of frightening new science on the substances our children are encountering and the harms these substances can cause. Here are a few salient facts: \n\nAlcohol contributes to the deaths of nearly 2\,000 college students each year.\nWhether you allow your teen a glass of wine with dinner or not will have no impact on whether she chooses to binge drink with friends. Binge drinking is actually even more prevalent in most European countries\, where legal restrictions and cultural barriers to teen drinking are looser\, than it is in the US.\nMarijuana is much stronger than it used to be. Average potency has gone up twelvefold since 1975\, and more than doubled since 2000. And that’s just the average. Marijuana marketed in Colorado under names like “green crack” can be exponentially stronger\, and edibles may contain up to 50 percent THC.\nEdible marijuana is dangerous for another important reason: it can take up to two hours to take effect. When they don’t feel immediate effects\, users decide to take more – easy\, when it looks and tastes like candy — and overdose.\nSynthetic marijuana\, sold legally in many states in gas stations and convenience stores\, can be fatal.\nEven cigarettes are more addictive than they used to be\, according to the Surgeon General.\nContrary to popular belief\, marijuana is addictive. Studies have estimated that nine percent of people who use it become dependent\, and that number grows to 25 to 50 percent for daily users. Teens are more vulnerable to drug dependency than adults. For teens that enter drug treatment\, marijuana is the primary substance of abuse for the overwhelming majority – over 70 percent.\nBecause today’s pot is so strong\, even the weekend user can suffer consequences such as impaired memory during the week.\nThe permanent effects of early drug and alcohol abuse are real. Adults who drank heavily during their teenage years show smaller hippocampi than those who did not. Regular marijuana use lowers adult IQ – even among adults who stopped using at age eighteen — and can trigger serious mental illnesses like schizophrenia in those who are predisposed. Its associations with depression and anxiety are strong as well.\n\nThere is a great deal parents can do\, beyond setting and enforcing firm rules about substance abuse\, to keep their children safe: \n\nImmediately\, discard all unused prescription drugs. Experimentation with opiates has become an upper-middle-class phenomenon\, and users often get these substances at home\, either their own home or a friend’s.\nOpen lines of communication early. Even very young children can benefit from a discussion of family history of substance abuse. Older kids should understand that the more they enjoy their first experiments with drugs or alcohol\, the more susceptible they may be to addiction. That first experience is an important harbinger.\nWatch social media. Children\, even very young children\, are bombarded with glorified images of teens abusing drugs and alcohol. With a few keystrokes anyone can learn how to roll the perfect joint\, or what Ecstasy feels like. These are “dangerous neighborhoods\,” Califano said\, and they require monitoring and discussion.\nIf you discover your child is drinking or using drugs\, don’t dismiss it as age-appropriate experimentation. Each of the panelists commented that they see too many parents in their practices that avoid dealing with a substance abuse issue because they think it will go away on its own. Kleber said the problem is particularly acute among affluent parents. Also\, be aware that the younger siblings of kids who experiment with drugs and alcohol are much more likely to try these substances themselves.\nIf treatment is needed\, family participation is critical. Twelve-step programs and residential treatment facilities have poor success rates for teens. All agreed that it’s essential to get families intensively involved in treatment\, and that sending the child away for treatment generally doesn’t serve this need.  
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/how-to-raise-a-drug-free-kid-the-straight-dope-for-parents/
CATEGORIES:Benefits
ATTACH;FMTTYPE=image/jpeg:https://parentsinaction.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Drug-Free-Kid-3.jpg
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20141023T120000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20141023T140000
DTSTAMP:20180917T210859Z
CREATED:20180917T210829Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20180917T210859Z
UID:1526-1414065600-1414072800@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:School Relations Luncheon
DESCRIPTION:“Parenting with an Open Heart” by Meg Sheridan\n  \n“When you pictured having a family\, what did that look like? Who was your child going to be to you\, and for you?” So began the interactive presentation by Andrea Spiritos\, a psychotherapist specializing in young adulthood and parenting. Her workshop\, “Parenting with an Open Heart” on October 23rd\, was attended by PIA school reps\, facilitators and their guests. The workshop focused on the ways parents can communicate openly and honestly with their children\, listen without judgment and allow their children to develop into adults who are comfortable in their own skin. \n \nSpiritos began the workshop by asking the audience to reflect on their own childhoods. After asking a few softball questions she cut to the chase: “growing up\, if you could have changed anything in your family\, what would that have been? What relationships would change? What messages would have been helpful to hear?” When a few brave souls shared moments of their upbringing the point of the exercise became clear: by identifying and acknowledging our flaws and vulnerabilities\, we can become more sensitive to others\, including our children. \nWe sometimes deny the fact that how we were raised influences how we raise our children. Instead\, we project our fantasies on to our children– the childhood we wished we had\, but didn’t — and these fantasies can become our children’s burdens. For example\, children both notice and internalize when a parent is sad\, or unhappy with their physical appearance. We can better connect with our children if we recognize that as parents\, we’re still on our own journey of growth\, reconciling our imperfect youth with our still-evolving adulthood. If we’re aware of ourselves as unique and flawed individuals\, we can be honest and accepting of our children. Children want to be loved for their lesser traits\, not just their accomplishments. \nMs. Spiritos advised parents to be more interested in what their child brings to them\, rather than be a teach-and-tell parent. Ideally the parent-child relationship is a mutually evolving partnership\, not an authoritative\, top-down relationship. \nMoving from the abstract to the practical\, Ms. Spiritos reminded the audience that what children want most is their parents’ focus. Children want us to validate and appreciate their points of view\, they want us to ask questions and genuinely listen to their answers. She advises parents to demonstrate patience\, show forgiveness\, be physically demonstrative and above all\, apologize. “Don’t be afraid to say you’re sorry and ask for a do-over\,” she said. \nAnd when your teenager shuts the door in your face? Stand on the other side of it and keep talking. Let her know you are there. Responses can range from “Let me know if there is anything I can do” to “my job is to keep you safe\, and you’re not acting safe.” Remember\, you are still the most influential person in your child’s life\, even if everything he says or does demonstrates otherwise. \nFor a real game-changer\, said Spiritos\, ask your child\, “If you could change anything about me\, what would that be?” Your kids know your flaws\, so their answers might not surprise you\, but be brave when you hear them. In response you can say\, “that’s hard to hear” or “I’m going to try (to change) and when I do\, please point it out.” Your child will see you as both willing to change and willing to struggle. “I assure you\, she will love you more for it\,” said Spiritos. \nThe goal of Spiritos’ workshop was for each parent to take home a nugget of personal truth. To this end\, she gave the audience an exercise that can also be tried at home. “What is the job of a parent?” Spiritos asked. “What kind of person do we as parents want to raise our child to be in adulthood?” The answers included: a child who’s resilient\, self-disciplined\, and competent; a child who’s able to speak up for himself\, and who can “work and play well with others;” a child who’s able to be alone\, and who can self-regulate\, without turning to drugs or alcohol; a child who can give and receive love. \n \nSpiritos then asked how these qualities could be cultivated. Through “thoughtful communication\,” a member of the audience offered. Others suggested patience\, forgiveness\, being a good role model by avoiding risk-taking behaviors\, and asking children for their opinions and respecting them. Spiritos reminded the listeners that every list would be different depending on upbringing\, family structure and dynamics. She explained that by taking the time to cultivate a list\, we can help our kids find their way\, and with a value system we embrace. As parents our job is to make peace with every aspect of ourselves; the ones we are uncomfortable with as well as the aspects we like. If we can acknowledge our existence as a whole person\, however flawed\, our children will be free to forgive their own flaws and discover themselves. They will embrace their strengths\, accept their weaknesses and find their voices. \nAnd when you know and like who you are\, you’re better able to select a partner who will sustain you\, help you meet challenges\, give love\, and fully participate in life. \n  \nAndrea Spiritos\, LCSW\, is a Psychotherapist and Workshop Leader specializing in adolescence\, young adulthood\, and parenting. She was educated and trained at NYU School of Social Work\, Ackerman Institute for the Family. Andrea has been in private practice for over 25 years\, treating individuals 13 and up. \n 
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/school-relations-luncheon/
ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;TZID=America/New_York:20140728T180000
DTEND;TZID=America/New_York:20140728T200000
DTSTAMP:20181009T012748Z
CREATED:20180917T210337Z
LAST-MODIFIED:20181009T012748Z
UID:1524-1406570400-1406577600@parentsinaction.org
SUMMARY:Teen Scene 2014
DESCRIPTION:“Teen Scene 2014”  by Lisa Huffines \nSex\, drugs and social media.  These are concerns of today’s parents\, and they’re not so different from those of generations past.  On February 10 before a packed house at The Trinity School\, a panel of sixteen New York City independent school ninth- through twelfth-graders shed light on just what’s going on with teens today. Lucy Martin Gianino\, who has moderated twenty-six of Parents in Action’s twenty-eight Teen Scene discussions\, noted that the teens on her first panels are now old enough to be parents in the audience. \nSEX\nWhat’s distressing many parents about kids and sex today is that it seems so casual.  The panelists did not disabuse us of that impression\, saying that committed relationships are rare in high school. One panelist could think of only “three couples in [her] whole upper school” that were committed and another cited only five or six.  Much of the rest of high school romantic life consists of “hooking up\,” but parents shouldn’t assume hooking up always goes as far as intercourse. Several said there is no overwhelming pressure to lose one’s virginity\, except perhaps for kids who have been in long-term relationships.  The panelists did acknowledge that the hook-up culture can lead to binge drinking.  Intoxication mutes inhibitions and provides an excuse the next morning\, one student said\, allowing teens to “experiment sexually.”  Several showed visible discomfort at the prospect of discussing safe sex with their parents; one said\, “please don’t bring it up ever” and another urged parents to “let the school do it.” But all agreed that parents must be certain their children get such information somewhere\, and several said they would welcome parental advice on relationships. \nDRUGS (AND ALCOHOL)\nNot surprisingly in a culture that’s gone as far as ours has to decriminalize marijuana\, today’s teens do not view pot in the same category as other illegal drugs. Several panelists expressed confidence it can be used safely\, perhaps even more safely than alcohol.  Teens said drugs are easy to find in the city and sources include older siblings\, upperclassmen from school\, and dealers\, easily approached in places like Washington Square Park and Union Square or “just around” at parties. \nA “party\,” the teens explained\, could be anything from a “free\,” which is ten to fifteen kids in an unsupervised or lightly supervised home\, to a “house party\,” which is the same sort of gathering only larger (40 to 100 kids)\, to a party in a rented space to which a mass invite is extended over Facebook.  Drugs and alcohol are almost a given at any of these events\, the panelists said\, but there are exceptions (at least at smaller parties) and not every child partakes.  Their advice to parents:  don’t assume your child is guilty of using drugs or alcohol\, but assume she will encounter them\, from the beginning of freshman year on.  Pretending drugs and alcohol don’t exist\, the teens emphasized\, is a poor parental strategy. \nSome New York teens still go to bars and nightclubs\, for which fake IDs are easily obtainable for $100 to $200.  One panelist said bars are “less dangerous” than clubs. \nThe most commonly seen of the harder illegal drugs\, the panelists said\, are hallucinogenic mushrooms\, “molly\,” and acid\, the prevalence of which one student attributed to the rave culture.  The teens occasionally see cocaine or prescription drug abuse\, although one panelist said the use of attention-deficit drugs like Adderall and Ritalin without a prescription is “more a college thing.”  The panel chorused an emphatic “no” when asked if they’d seen heroin.  It was clear that the panelists had seen many instances of dangerous alcohol consumption\, but urged parents not to overreact to a single incident.  Teens are inexperienced drinkers\, they pointed out\, and “kids make mistakes.”  More than one panelist said it is not cool to be the kid who gets “sloppy drunk” weekend after weekend. \nSOCIAL MEDIA\nParents of teens who still worry about Facebook are really behind the times\, according to the Teen Scene panelists.  Facebook “is actually quite nice\,” one girl explained; much use of the site these days takes place within small\, private groups.  As an example\, one panelist cited her high school’s senior class page\, which has been a fun\, unifying activity and\, if forbidden\, would remove a student from important conversations.  Instagram\, many panelists said\, now offers a platform for “showing off\,” projecting “exclusivity” and sharing “a life you wish you had”; a platform that Facebook used to provide.  Snapchat is another new social media platform with potentially dangerous uses; its central feature is that the photos posted on it disappear after thirty seconds\, and its early reputation was as a “sexting” platform.  But\, panelists said\, even Snapchat can be and usually is used properly.  In any event\, the panelists said\, unhealthy uses of social media are largely a middle school thing\, and any parent who tries to forbid social media will almost certainly be defied. \nOTHER MATTERS\nAnother “middle school thing\,” according to panelists\, is pervasive social ostracism.  One teen said that by high school outside pressures have ramped up so much that kids feel they are all in it together and stop judging each other.  Another said he felt lucky to live in a city where tensions over race and sexual orientation are largely a thing of the past.  To be sure\, high school students still feel enormously stressed\, but their stresses come largely from a desire to succeed and the pressure to gain admission to competitive colleges.  More and more\, this means filling their days with academics\, sports\, and numerous extracurricular activities.  Surprisingly\, when asked which of these activities they would eliminate if they could\, the answer several came up with was “long commutes”.
URL:https://parentsinaction.org/event/teen-scene-2014/
CATEGORIES:Teen Scene
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ORGANIZER;CN="NYC-Parents In Action":MAILTO:info@parentsinaction.org
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